


You're a Part of Me and I'm a Part of You

by WhiskeyAndStout



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Enemies to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masochism, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, References to Depression, Sadism, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22627486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskeyAndStout/pseuds/WhiskeyAndStout
Summary: Higgs Monaghan is sent back from the Beach, powerless but with a mission. Something ominous looms over the horizon.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 19
Kudos: 140





	1. Rebirth

When Higgs had strained every muscle and hardened every emotion in his body to reach for that gun, held it up to his head and pulled the trigger, of course he may have guessed what would become of his consciousness afterward. All in all, he hoped for nothingness to swallow him. And for a moment, he felt as if he may have been granted that sweet release.

But then he saw her. That damned all-knowing and gracious smile of hers, that patient way she walked through the sand in her high heels. The glint of her necklace. Despite everything, there was so much comfort in seeing Amelie. She may have stopped giving him power, may have delayed the extinction all because of her damned son--no, Cliff's son--but she was a magical creature to behold. 

Amelie knelt next to him in the sand, her expression calm but sympathetic, and gently took the gun out of his shaking hand.  
"I'm sorry that nothing really went according to plan. Sometimes that's just how things go, I guess," she sighed, placing the gun beside her. "You did all you could. But maybe soon you'll understand why I didn't go through with it."  
He stared at her in awe, shivering from both his injuries and also the mixture of emotions welling up inside of his chest. Tears streaked his already tar-smeared face, leaving trails of cleaner skin behind.  
"Everything will be okay. Eventually, the extinction will have to happen and we will all finally get to rest. Even me," she continued, clasping her cold, clean hands over his tar and blood covered gloves. "But it's not your time yet. I have one more job for you to do, but you can't do it here."  
"I thought," Higgs started, and then quickly swallowed, his dry throat clicking painfully, " I thought your Beach was closed off. Am I stuck here?"  
Amelie shook her head and smiled. "It's closed for anyone on the outside, but I'm not going to keep you with me for thousands of years. No, I need you to watch over him for me. Again."  
"Your Sam?"  
She nodded, squeezing his hands gently.  
"Just like before. I'm not asking you to do anything other than make sure he's okay, that nothing is going too rough for him. And, just, please don't be violent with him this time. There's no need to goad him anymore."  
Before she realized it, tears were rolling down her cheeks and onto Higgs' dirty tar-covered armor.  
"I just want things to be okay for him, as much as they can, down there."  
He couldn't do much in response but mumble her name weakly.  
"Part of what fucked up this world so much was saving him," she laughed, tears continuing to stream down onto Higgs. To his addled mind, it seemed to him almost like a baptism.  
"And then it was because of him that I didn't even end it. Maybe it's hard for you--or anyone else--to understand, but I loved Sam with all my heart. All my heart. I just…"  
She hiccuped softly and wiped away her tears quickly, trying to put herself together enough to finish her thought. Higgs had never seen her like this, and he didn't quite know what to think. He was still somewhat focused on the baptism of tears, and that he was somehow going to leave the Beach. His head swam with pain and veneration.  
"Just watch over him. That's all," she concluded, patting his hands with an air of finality. "Now," she began again, "I'm going to send you back. But don't forget your mission. We won't be able to talk after this, so this is farewell. Thank you for everything you've done, but you can rest easy now. Goodbye, Higgs."

In an instant, there was everything and nothing. Sparks, flying whales, splashing waves and lightning filled his vision. Scenes of his life, people he had known, everything he has ever learned simultaneously compressed into one moment. And after that split second moment, there was nothing but darkness and the smell of the Beach. His own void out.

Even upon reaching some sort of consciousness through the nothingness, the scent of the Beach still lingered. The first thing he could feel was that he felt incredibly heavy, like he was made of metal and was sinking into sand. A part of him wondered if Amelie had just buried him on the Beach. Agonizingly slowly, he gained more and more awareness of his existence and his surroundings. He was lying on his side, curled into a fetal position on something straining to hold his weight. Higgs clenched and unclenched his hand just to see if he even could--every movement felt like torture--and felt a familiar texture of fabric. His cot, in his old bunker back near Lake Knot. The next sensations that came to him was that he was extremely cold and nauseous. Without even opening his eyes, he stumbled over to his old trash can and unloaded what felt like a gallon of tar and cryptobiotes onto the old crushed box and soda bottle leftover from who knows how long ago. It occurred to him that he'd never thrown up tar before, and despite the taste appealing to him once upon a time, it felt atrocious coming up and out of his mouth and made his eyes water. After nothing more would come out even after a few dry heaves, Higgs coughed and climbed back onto his cot, feeling even colder but much less sick to his stomach. Looking down, he realized he was only in his boxer briefs and was clean of any tar, injury or blemish. He even scrubbed at his face, but came back with hands free of kohl, tar or blood. There was no sign of his armor or BB pod in the room. It looked unchanged since he had last used it probably months ago. 

Gazing over the photos of Sam, his mind finally unclouded and he remembered why he was there, why he was back. Amelie had baptized him, brought him back to the world of the living, and given him a new lease on life and a new mission. His heart swelled with a strange mixture of reverence and frustration.  
"I don't even know if I fuckin' wanna be back," he thought darkly, tired eyes downcast and glazed over with exhaustion. In fact, he didn't even know what year it was, what had passed since he first went to the Beach for that final showdown. Was the UCA even still around? How would he even find Sam?  
Holding his hand out and trying to use his DOOMS powers, just like before, produced nothing. His telekinesis, his connection to the BTs and tar, hell, maybe all of it was gone. He chuckled in a low, somber voice and observed the hand, wiped clean of tar, and powerless as any other.  
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh," Higgs mumbled to himself in the same solemn tone, closing his eyes tight and trying to think of what his next move should be, so that he wouldn't spiral too deeply thinking about the implications of what had happened. The thoughts and feelings and lessons that had flashed by his eyes as he was transported from the Beach. It was traumatizing in its own way to see yourself for what you've become, to realize how deeply you have sinned, and for Her to lay her hand upon you and have you born anew. 

Higgs laughed tears of gratitude and misery as he got up from his cot to access the UCA network on his cheap, old laptop--near ancient technology now--and did the only thing he could think of to find out if Sam was really out there still delivering packages, even after saving the world like the damned hero he was. He put in an urgent order for a pizza and booze from as far away as he could think, and typed out an email to Sam in his usual florid, purple prose requesting the pizza be delivered hot, with some stupid excuse about the meal being for someone else. No one else would be crazy enough to take such an order, or would bother even for the likes. Only after having sent the email did he realize he had sent it from his old Higgs email address that he only had used back when he was a courier and for communicating with Homo Demens or Amelie, and a surge of panic ran ice cold through his veins for a split second.  
"Well, shit. Well, Sam can be mighty dull sometimes, maybe he won't notice. Ah, fuck. This is bad."  
He scrubbed at his face anxiously and tried to reach for anything in his thoughts that might get him out of this mess.  
"Maybe he'll think it's a prank or somethin' anyway. Think, you bastard. Come on. Get going."


	2. You Don't Hate Me?

An hour later, the alarms went off signifying Sam Porter Bridges had approached the bunker and that all weapons were locked. Breathing heavily and muttering to himself, Higgs applied the last of his kohl eyeliner and made a few faces in the mirror in the locker, cleared his throat and straightened out his shirt. He'd cleaned up; not just himself, but the room: all of the photos and papers and string had been torn down and stuffed into the many package boxes lying around, and any junk was stacked out of the way under the desk. And of course he'd disposed of the tar bag and the pizza boxes. He wasn't THAT much of a monster.  
It still looked like a mad house, but maybe a little bit less of one. Sort of. It made the difference to him, anyway.

When the pizza and synthetic whiskey were deposited from the mail dispenser onto his desk, the adrenaline really started kicking in. With a shaky breath, and barely anything but his words to back him up in any way, Higgs approached the bunker door as Sam received his performance evaluation.   
"Shit, what the fuck do I do, shit shit shit. Get a hold of yourself. Come on."  
He cleared his throat and finally opened the door  
and before he could even open his mouth, he was punched in the gut and tackled onto the floor.   
"How the fuck are you still alive?" Sam growled in his usual rasp, holding Higgs down at the shoulders. Not that it would really take much to subdue Higgs at this point; he still felt half-dead from coming back from the Beach.  
After recovering his breath, he managed a weak laugh.  
"Well, that's one hell of a how do you do, Mr. Samuel Bridges."  
"Don't fuck around, asshole. How are you here? What the fuck are you doing ordering a goddamned package after all that?"  
Sam tightened his grip on Higgs' shoulders painfully, and the taller man winced before attempting a friendly grin.  
"Your Amelie, that's why the fuck I'm here."  
"Amelie," Sam echoed, his voice gentler now, pain and surprise beginning to put out the fire in his eyes.  
"She sent me back for your sorry ass, if you can believe that."  
"What the fuck are you talking about? Why would she--"  
"She--Amelie gave me another chance. She showed me the error of my ways--"  
"Oh, cut the crap, Higgs. You're a murderer. A terrorist."  
"Amelie is going to be all alone up there now. She can't help us. Either of us," he said, his voice coming to a more serious tone, and reached his hand out again as if to use his DOOMS powers. "She washed them away, Sam. All my powers and all my sins."  
"You're fucking crazy," Sam mumbled, but sat back and simply held down on his knees. "You lost your powers before our fight."  
"If you hadn't noticed, dear Sam," Higgs sighed, "I can't even use the Beach at all anymore. Not her beach, not my beach. Nobody's beach. You think if I could use my dadgum powers that I'd be letting you man-handle me like a ragdoll right now?"  
Sam frowned thoughtfully for a moment, and then much to Higgs' utter shock, stood up and started opening the packages he had brought.  
"What're--what're you--"  
"The pizza's gonna get cold. Brought it from the mountains, so let's eat it while it's still hot."  
Higgs stared at Sam like he had turned into a BT right there and then. He blinked several times, cleared his throat and asked in his most polite, gentlemanly voice, "I'm sorry. Sam Porter Bridges? Have you lost your ever-lovin' mind? I'm tryin' to tell you that Amelie sent me back from the brink of the Lord's Kingdom, stopped me from poppin' one off right into my brain, just to--to--aw, heck, give me that booze."  
Higgs twisted open the bottle of whiskey and chugged a shot into his parched throat, only immediately to regret it, and coughed and gagged into his arm.   
Sam just, seemingly patiently, ate his pizza and glanced around the room while trying to keep an eye on Higgs. He didn't seem to be particularly threatened by the former terrorist's presence, perhaps from feeling and seeing how weak he'd become since their last altercation.   
"I walked an hour on foot to get here. Not gonna let it go to waste," Sam grumbled simply after finishing a slice and rubbing his hands on his Bridges emblazoned pants. 

"I--Yeah, that does make sense," Higgs conceded after his coughing fit. He grabbed a slice and sat on his cot to eat it, occasionally taking another swig of the whiskey to wash it down.  
"Why the hell did you even do the order?" he laughed suddenly, after the first slice was in and working its magic to somewhat energize him. He began working on another one as he felt his brain getting fuzzy and his muscles sting with the heat of the alcohol coursing through his blood. He figured if Sam was going to turn him in, he may as well have his last meal here and now.   
"Why'd you even come out here at all?"  
"Well," Sam started, looking thoughtfully down at Higgs as he leaned against the desk. Higgs could see the stack of photos of the porter right behind his legs and felt momentarily mortified. "Well, why wouldn't I? I knew that Peter guy was you by the second pizza I sent out. And of course I'd come here to see if it's really you, if you're still alive. Though, I'm… I originally thought we'd be fighting to the death again, or something. Now that I'm here, I…" he trailed off, confusion and frustration lacing his gravely voice. 

The silence sat gracefully in the room as Higgs worked his way through the pizza and whiskey, probably getting drunker than he intended to. Eventually he passed the bottle to Sam, who hesitantly received it and took a couple swigs of his own.  
"So Amelie wants you to help me or something?"  
"Miss Amelie wanted me to keep an eye on you, from what I could make out," Higgs said tiredly, now sitting up against the wall with his knees dragged under his chin. "She always knows best--well, more'n me, anyway. Who am I to question her wisdom."  
"Are you kidding me. She wasn't even sure what to do at the end. She asked me what she should do, end the world or not," Sam laughed bitterly, but not without some softness. "Can you imagine someone just putting that on your shoulders? I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm just a delivery man. I thought I was going to help my sister. Turns out it's my adopted mom's ghost or some shit trying to kill everybody--"  
"Amelie is an amazing woman, Sam. I know she--I know we messed up, and honestly all the terrorism shit was my dumb, fucked up brain's idea. Don't talk about her like she's some common murderer."  
"Look, you have no--you don't even--fuck, it's complicated. Forget it. Amelie sent you back, okay. I get it. She wants you to make sure I'm okay. I'm okay. Is that everything?"   
"I… I guess. That's all she said to do. Watch you and not bug you."  
"Then don't order any more fucking pizzas from Mountain Knot," the porter grimaced, taking another swig of the whiskey. He seemed much more used to straight alcohol than Higgs, and definitely didn't seem as drunk as Higgs felt.   
He laughed in spite of himself.  
"Alright, no more hour away pizzas. But, um, Sammy, listen a spell," he drawled in a more professional-sounding manner, cleared his throat and straightened up, "I know you must hate me after all of this shit--"  
"I don't hate you."  
"--and I--hush now, just let me--wait, you don't? How could… we'll get back to that later." He shook his head, trying not to feel distracted by the strange idea of Sam not hating him. "Look, Sammy."  
"It's Sam."  
Sighing in frustration, Higgs continued, "Look. Sam. I'm trying to ask you not to turn me in, to let anyone know I'm back. You probably--well, no one will probably believe I'm a reformed man. But I swear on my Mama's life, I am changed. She did somethin', Sam. Same as when she did somethin' to give me all that power that warped my already broken heart. I don't want to hurt no one no more. I don't even know if I could if I wanted to."

Sam just looked at him with some unreadable expression, arms folded and now sitting on top of the desk facing Higgs. The anticipation and dread was filling Higgs up with that ice cold feeling of adrenaline again, and the shame of being so absolutely at the will of Sam's mercy made his stomach sour. 

"Sam, I--if you don't want to do it for me, do it for her. Amelie. You know there's no way in hell I could've gotten back here without her."  
He felt like he was begging and it made him feel even sicker. Some part of him felt like he was above this, that he should be the one making Sam scared for his life, that he'd rather die than sit here and let anyone control his life. He clenched his fists into his pants in impotent, futile anger. Yes, he may be born again by her grace, but he was still human, and he was still broken. 

"There's no getting those lives back that either you or Amelie decided to take", Sam said slowly and hesitantly as he got up, walked over to Higgs' cot and sat down heavily next to him. He passed the whiskey bottle over and Higgs accepted it graciously, taking another shot even though his head was already starting to spin.  
"But I'm not gonna turn you in or anything. I don't give a shit about the UCA. Nobody I give a shit about is left on this fuckin' planet besides Lou, so what do I care. And besides, we got somethin' in common."  
Higgs felt the knots in his stomach untie themselves and he sighed with relief, but looked up at Sam with confusion.  
"Whaddya mean, somethin' in common?"  
"Amelie helped both of us back from the Beach. She gave us second chances. We both have connections to her that no one else would get."  
"Right. Right," Higgs whispered, staring at Sam who he had just realized was very close to him. In his drunken mind, he remembered the days when he obsessed about Sam. When he would follow him around, snapping photographs and trying to pretend it was all to laugh at him, or something. After passing the whiskey bottle back to Sam, he gripped his knees again, feeling extremely awkward, but tried to shake it off.   
"Uh, Sam," Higgs began, not exactly sure what he actually wanted to say, but just wanting Sam to look at him. He just wanted to see him up close without getting a fist to the jaw.  
"Yeah?" Sam returned, looking up at Higgs. He had a light color to his face now that he'd had nearly a quarter of the bottle of whiskey, and Higgs stared into his eyes and laughed.  
"You're drunk as all get out, ain't ya?"   
Sam let out a grunt of amusement, but shook his head a little bashfully.  
"Nah, I'm not a lightweight like you. Actually have some meat on my bones."  
Higgs started laughing again and slapped Sam's knee, which made the latter jerk back.  
"Ah, shit. Wait. I'm sorry, Sam, I forgot. Your asmphos--your asmophos--your weird touchy feely thing. I'm real sorry."  
"It's alright," Sam grumbled, getting back to sitting closer to Higgs. "I actually got over it. After I came back from the Beach."  
"Well, ain't that somethin'," breathed Higgs thoughtfully, taking up staring at Sam again. As he wondered about what exactly he should do from now on, he straightened up, smoothed out his pants and shirt and tried to fix his hair. He was feeling self-conscious in front of this guy who he'd admired, whether on a conscious level or not, for a long, long time.   
Higgs' fidgeting made Sam look over at him again and they locked eyes for a moment.   
"What are you gonna do for supplies out here?" Sam finally asked, drumming his fingers on the now nearly empty bottle.   
"I was honestly just wonderin' that myself, Bridges. I have no fuckin' clue. I reckon I could either steal or do some freelance porting under an assumed name. But now everyone's connected to this damn network. There's eyes everywhere."  
"Yeah, I get it. I did freelance before I got roped into all this Bridges bullshit. I guess the private rooms and showers are pretty nice, but the cuffs make me feel like a fucking slave sometimes."  
There was a pause as Higgs contemplated his choices and rubbed his hands together anxiously. He felt warm in a weird way and he assumed it was from the alcohol. He couldn't stop looking at Sam and wondering if this was all a dream.  
"I'm just wondering," Higgs said quietly, finally looking to the floor, "if this isn't some pre-mortem hallucination I'm havin'. If I'm not still on the Beach with a bullet in my head, thinkin' about--," he paused to laugh and rake a hand through his hair awkwardly, "thinkin' about spendin' one more moment with Sam Porter Bridges. You know?"   
He chuckled again and looked back up at Sam, who was looking at him with the deepest sympathy he'd ever seen directed at himself in his life.  
"Yeah. I know what you mean," was all Sam replied with before standing up with a grunt and stretching.   
"I should get going. Got shit to deliver tomorrow. You can put in orders for supplies if you want, by the way. Just not from too far away or I'll cancel it."  
"Yeah. Yeah, alright," Higgs muttered, still looking timid and bashful. He stood up and held out his hand.  
"Sam."  
The porter took his hand firmly, and they shook hands.  
"Thanks. For, you know, not rattin' me out. And for the dinner date," he laughed meekly. He felt like a fucking idiot.   
Sam chuckled and gave his hand a squeeze before letting go and walking towards the stairs.  
"Well," Sam said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck as he stalled at the base of the staircase, "I kinda liked talking. We got a lot in common. So, uh. Next time. See ya."  
"Next time," Higgs echoed breathlessly, screaming in his head for Sam to leave so he can stop feeling so awkward.   
"Yeah. Next time."  
Sam continued to stand there looking at Higgs for another long and painful moment until he cleared his throat, hiked up the pack on his shoulders and started heading up the stairs.  
"See ya!"  
"See ya 'round, Sam Bridges," Higgs called at him, before immediately going to close the bunker door and fall backwards upon it, huffing out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in.  
"Man, what the hell was all that about?"


	3. Back to the Old Grind

Becoming a freelance porter was actually a lot less difficult that he'd originally assumed, especially with the aid of "Peter Englert"'s chiral printer. For the most part, preppers didn't really question who was delivering their packages as long as they were delivered in good condition and on time. For the most part, Higgs' mind was occupied on getting his New Life together: installing amenities in his bunker to make it more liveable, occasionally requesting supplies from Bridges, and making deliveries himself, which were usually of abandoned packages or ones rescued from MULE camps.  
The hard part was avoiding BTs. He no longer possessed the kind of DOOMs abilities that would allow him to sense where they were or when they would be nearby, and only had the usual chiral allergy that would create irritating tears and would make his skin crawl. It felt strange to have once been so deeply connected to those on the other side, to have been able to do the next best thing to shaking their chiral hands, but to now feel closed off from it, like a window snapped shut. He knew enough to avoid when it looked like rain, or the strands and inverted rainbows in the distance, but found himself caught in BT territory more than a few times having to scramble for shelter and safety until the rain let up. 

During one such time, Higgs had holed up in a shallow cave carved out of the base of a mountain. The black rain poured down like a sheet of water, occasionally being whipped around by forceful winds. The man could feel eyeliner-stained tears tracking down his cheeks and rubbed at them, feeling that familiar irritation as a BT passed by briefly. A backpack full of various packages addressed to various people sat against the wall, covered with a thin but sturdy timefall-resistant tarp, and Higgs lounged back against it, eyes half-lidded with exhaustion and melancholy. Rainwater dripped in rivulets down the mouth of the cave, almost giving a sense of a barrier from the outside world. Higgs watched as the drops hit the rocky floor with relaxing little plips, and let out a yawn and a violent shiver. How long had it been since he'd last slept? The answer escaped him as he hugged himself against the chill. Every time he would even take a moment to rest, his mind would fill with thoughts and voices about how useless he was now, how pointless his life came to be. Every failure and every stupid idea bowled him over like an unsturdy pin, and the growing pain in his heart weighed on him until it was almost unbearable. Of course he still would never order oxytocin or anything. He couldn't shake the feeling that he absolutely deserved every bit of misery and penance he'd ever face. Maybe his Daddy had been right all along. He jolted awake at what he initially thought was a familiar blow to his head, only to realize it was distant thunder, something he really didn't hear all that often. His heavy eyes closed of their own accord again, but this time he awoke on the Beach. For a moment, he hoped against hope that he died there in that little cave. Sitting up and sliding his gaze over the shore, he remembered sending Sam useless messages before he finally decided to try and off himself. Stupid things about pizzas, or whatever. Just to waste the Porter's time, and maybe in a desperate attempt to make himself remembered to someone for something other than death and murder.  
"Good old Sammy boy," he mumbled to himself morosely, his voice mostly drowned out by the droning of the waves. "Even gave the time of day to dirt like me."  
Heaving himself up and dusting the sand off his delivery pants, he took a look around and finally saw Her. It seemed like it had been ages since Higgs had last seen her but in reality only a few months had passed.  
"Amelie," he called out to her, or at least tried to. His voice had no power or throw to it at all, and when he tried to run to her, his body didn't seem to want to move.  
"Amelie, I'm here," he hollered again, but that seemed to take all of the energy out of him and he slumped to his knees.  
"I can see that," she replied softly, walking toward him slowly and patiently.  
It seemed to him that the waves were getting awfully close to where he sat on the sand, and he worried he would get swallowed up within no time.  
"Amelie, I don't want to be here no more. I have nothing left. I never even had nothing to begin with."  
Amelie seemed slightly exasperated by this and pushed him backward into the waves.  
"I gave you a job to do. Don't you remember? Something's about to happen and I need things to be okay for Sam. Make sure he's alright."  
Fighting against the fierce current, Higgs tried to cry out for help only to be pulled down into the waves, and violently jolt awake, falling over onto his hands and knees in the damp mountainside cave. Shivering and damp with sweat, he looked to the placid, steel-grey sky, which offered no sign or answer for what was coming. 

The trek home after delivering packages was a damn slog. With only a few hours of sleep in him from the past week, barely any food and more walking than he could even keep track of, he felt like the walking dead. The only thing that seemed to hold him together was the dull pain in his heart and legs, and the thought of a shower once he got back.  
Luckily no one had recognized him on any of his deliveries yet, though, really, why would they? No one had seen much of Higgs' face besides Fragile and Sam in a long, long time. Half of his clients had been dying off before he even started up the Homo Demens. He still tried to mostly hide his eyes under the brim of his hat and jacket hood, and tried to hide his accent when he spoke. His eyebrows had grown back in but didn't do much to hide the tattoos which he now felt deeply ashamed of. Just another reminder of his failure.

As soon as he cast aside all of his gear once in his bunker, he made a beeline for the shower and spent what seemed like ages just letting the hot water scald his aching muscles and joints. Higgs rested his forehead on his folded arms against the shower wall and tried to get his bearings for another Bridges delivery, this time with the intention of actually talking to Sam rather than pretending not to be home. He really, really didn't want to face Sam today, not when he'd felt lower than dirt for the past few weeks and did just about all he could not to blow his brains out on a daily basis. He knew Sam didn't want to be anywhere near him, either; like he said, he's a murderer. But this was for Amelie's sake. He groaned softly and rubbed his tired eyes, wondering whether that moment on the beach had been some kind of micro-death or micro-dream, and what could possibly be on the horizon that could put Sam in danger. The man was a repatriate, for God's sake. 

After putting in an order for hematic grenades, pizza, a bola gun and a six pack of Timefall Porter, Higgs set to anxiously trying to make himself, and his bunker, presentable. A sort of deja vu came over him as he cleaned up all the garbage, scattered notes, articles and books, and he vaguely wondered why he even bothered. It's not like Sam didn't know he was a freak. But something tugged in him to impress Sam, even if it didn't entirely make sense even to himself. Although the kohl was a relic of his megalomania, he felt naked without it and applied the eyeliner despite a feeling in his heart telling him he looked like a creepy faggot. The feeling got worse looking at himself in his full-size mirror altogether, and he tried to stuff the thought down as he slammed the locker closed and punched it for good measure, roaring with annoyance.  
"God damn, stupid, stupid, ugly fucking idiot," he growled, punctuating each word with a punch to the poor, innocent locker that was now becoming smeared with knuckle blood. Feeling somewhat spent, Higgs rushed to clean up the wounds and only got his knuckles wrapped up when he heard the alarms go off indicating Sam was here. His stomach twisted as he quickly tried to clean the blood off of the locker, only getting some of it off before there was the usual knock at the bunker door. He hardly registered his order being deposited on his desk, his head spinning with anxiety.  
"Yeah, j-just a second, Bridges!" Higgs yelled out, his voice shaking embarrassingly. He threw the bloody tissues away and opened the door with what he hoped was a confident grin.  
Sam stood at the doorway seeming friendly enough, in his usual Bridges delivery clothes with his pack on his back. It hadn't occurred to Higgs the first time he visited, but this time he noticed Sam wasn't carrying his BB.  
"Well, howdy, Sammy boy. Thanks for bringing me some tricks and treats," he said, still standing in the doorway and feeling less and less confident with every single second. Could he actually spend another night drinking and talking with Sam again? Could he see through him?  
"Hey," Sam grunted, clapping Higgs on the shoulder amicably. If he had noticed the taller man's apprehension, he didn't show it. "You lettin' me in or what?"  
"Uh. Yeah, yeah of course. Where are my manners. Come on in," Higgs laughed nervously, walking down the hall toward the main room, "I ordered that shit for us to share, you know. I mean, I'd hoped you'd want to--to talk again, I guess."  
Shaking a little, he opened the packages containing the pizza and beer, immediately cracking open a can of liquid courage before handing one to Sam.  
"Yeah, thanks," was all Sam said before taking a drink and plopping himself on Higgs' bed like he owned the place.  
"You did a lot of work here, huh. An actual bed."  
Sam looked around the room over his Timefall Porter, his expression neutral. The scribblings on the walls were still somewhat visible under a thin layer of paint, and the room itself was still cramped and messy with piles of paper and books. There were fairly obvious bloody knuckle marks not only on the locker door but also the wall next to the bed, which Higgs had almost forgot about until Sam decided to sit fairly close to it.  
The ex-terrorist gulped his beer somewhat desperately and handed Sam a slice on a plate.  
"Wow, plates too. Fancy."  
"Yeah, well. If I stopped working, I'd start thinking, and thinkin's the last thing I wanna do," sighed Higgs as he sat next to Sam with a plate on his lap. He couldn't feel any less hungry with the knots in his gut.  
"Amen," Sam grumbled around his food.  
Higgs downed his Porter, popped open another one and immediately chugged down half of it in one go.  
"Hey, take it easy. You feeling okay?"  
Higgs couldn't contain the bark of laughter that bubbled up and finally started feeling a little more himself, or rather, a little less sober.  
"Feeling okay? Yeah. Yeah, I'm over the moon" he chuckled, as if Sam had told the funniest joke he'd heard all year.  
Sam frowned and looked ready to say something else, but then just continued his meal instead.  
"Feeling okay. Haha. Stupid," Higgs snorted to himself, finally being able to stomach some of the pizza. It was actually really good, and all of the hunger he'd ignored for weeks seemed to come crashing back all at once.  
"Looks like you've started delivering again, huh," Sam brought up after a pause where they ate in silence. He nodded toward the empty pack on the desk, an old delivery backpack with no labeling.  
"Yeah, it's all I really know how to do. You know, other than killin' folks."  
"I, uh, wanted to ask you about that, actually," Sam mumbled, looking over at him uneasily. "I know you've said Amelie changed you somehow. Do you still, uh, want to kill people?"  
Higgs eyes, already somewhat glazed over with inebriation, seemed to grow more opaque with a sharp sadness.  
"No."  
"Oh. Well, uh, that's good."  
"Yeah."  
The room was palpably awkward, and Higgs took another can of beer, already somewhat stumbling back to the bed.  
"No, Sammy boy, I don't really want anything anymore."  
Sam looked at him with concern, which Higgs took for disgust. The knots curled back into his stomach and he put the beer down under the bed, no longer interested in putting anything more into his stomach. Even still, he started laughing again.  
"Sorry, Sammy, this ain't therapy hour. I did sorta want to talk to you about somethin' that happened, though. I guess it's sorta important."  
"What's that?"  
"Well," Higgs started, getting up to drunkenly pace the room, "I think I might've been on the Beach today. Even if it were a dream, it reminded me of Amelie tellin' me to keep tabs on you and make sure things are okay."  
"What do you mean, on the Beach? Why would--"  
"Well, see," Higgs said, turning to Sam. Something about being as drunk as he was and how curiously Sam was looking up at him, without any hatred or ill-will in his eyes, made him stop for a moment. He felt butterflies and cleared his throat, remembering feeling this way before Sam had left last time. Was he just star struck or something?  
"Yeah?" Sam urged him to continue after Higgs just stood there staring at him, his own cheeks starting to color.  
"Oh, right. Ah, Sam," he laughed with embarrassment in his clearly inebriated voice, " Sammy. You're real--real, uh. Don't say handsome, Monaghan. You're real cool. Fuck. I meant the cool part."  
Sam just looked away and laughed, his face getting redder.  
"Goddammit, I'm sorry. I'm makin' things weird. Anyway, what was I--right, the Beach. So I wasn't sure, well, I'm still not sure--"  
"I think you're, uh--"  
"--if it was a dream, or. What, sorry? What'd you say?"  
"I, uh," Sam mumbled, looking sheepish, and crossed his legs, "Nevermind. What about the Beach?"  
"Right, the Beach. Okay so, listen. I think this is important," he said louder, slapping a hand on Sam's shoulder and leaning into him heavily. "I was resting while delivering packages, right. Well, hiding from the rain, but either way. So I rest my eyes and suddenly I'm on the Beach, and Amelie told me to remember my mission here."  
"To keep me company?" Sam smirked.  
"Well, no, that ain't--why are you lookin' at me like that? Stupid Sam Bridges. Stop, this is serious." Higgs gripped Sam's shoulder tighter as if that would emphasize the seriousness of the situation, but only ended up making the shorter man wince.  
"Listen. She said to keep tabs on you, right? But she also said, in this dream or vision or whatever, that somethin's gonna happen soon. Somethin' big, I reckon, that would require makin' sure you're alright. I don't know what it means, but it felt so God damned real."  
After hearing Higgs out, Sam replied thoughtfully, "She used to visit me in my dreams, too. Usually telling me to meet her on the Beach, or to find her in the West. Even if it was a dream, it was probably still her."  
"That's what I thought, too," Higgs replied, finally letting go of Sam's poor shoulder and sitting down next to him heavily. "Like, this is probably her only way of communication now, I would think. Right?"  
"Maybe," Sam said softly, turning to look at Higgs. "I've been feeling things, too, though. I can't explain it, but I've been feeling like something's about to change."  
"Well, you got DOOMs. So you can probably sense it. I really can't guess as to what it could be, though. You're practically invisible. I couldn't even kill you when the odds were stacked against you. Sorry, probably another awkward memory. But I guess I'm here with the opposite role in this game now."  
"I trust you," Sam smiled at him, looking him right in the face with sheepish but sincere eyes. Higgs could hardly stand it.  
"You probably shouldn't, Sammy boy," he chuckled in response, feeling his face and neck heating and prickling up. Stupid Sam, why was he so nice?  
"Well, I do. And it's alright with me if we stick around each other more often. You know, so you can keep watch. Deliver together, maybe."  
Higgs' heart thudded in his chest and he ran a hand through his hair self-consciously. Why was Sam still looking at him like that?  
"Deliver together, huh. Might not be too bad to have some company on those long lonely trails," he replied, but internally dreaded being around Sam for extended periods of time. Surely he'd see what a useless idiot he was, after that. A violent, weird creep.  
Sam nodded and smiled, his eyes flicking from Higgs' eyes to somewhere more down on his face. Higgs felt like he might throw up. As soon as Sam started to seem like he might say something else, Higgs moved away and looked ahead at his desk, swallowing thickly and begging his stomach to not upchuck his entire meal.  
"Yeah, that wouldn't be too bad. It's dangerous out there, especially without DOOMs."  
Seeming a little deflated, Sam asked, "Right, I was going to ask how you were faring without it."  
"Not so good. I can't sense 'em anymore than you can without your BB. I keep runnin' into BT territories like a dumbass and havin' to wait out the storms. They're not my friends anymore," he laughed darkly, wringing his hands on his lap, "I suppose that leaves me with none, now."  
"Nah. You got me," Sam said reassuringly, scooting closer again.  
"Sam," Higgs sighed, his voice starting to shake, "you can't just… be friends with someone like me. With all I've done, all of your friends I've hurt. I'm a--I'm a monster." He let out a sad laugh and tried not to look at Sam, at what kind of foolishly sympathetic expression he must have. That or one of pity.  
There was a heavy pause as no one said anything and Higgs felt emotionally exhausted. He wondered briefly if he could even survive doing delivery trips with Sam.  
Instead of saying anything, Sam reached over and put his arm around Higgs, and the butterflies were back in full force.  
"What in Sam hill are you thinkin', Sam?" He mumbled, his soft voice shaking.  
"I get you. That's what I think."  
Sam gave Higgs' a gentle squeeze before letting go.  
"And I--," Sam hesitated, seemingly unsure about whether or not to say something, "I--yeah, I get you. More than I think I've ever really understood anyone else. I don't know if you feel--"  
"Yeah, I feel the same damn way, Sam. But you're too--you're a good guy. A great guy. You're a--a real peach. Don't put yourself down to my level. I'm--I'm nothing now--"  
"Don't talk like that," Sam said, turning to face Higgs and taking him by the shoulders. He paused, noticing the black tears making their way down Higgs' cheeks.  
Higgs laughed sadly, sniffed, and said cheekily, "Chiral allergy."  
"Higgs." Sam frowned at him, seemingly at a loss.  
"Maybe it's time you oughta got back to Bridges" Higgs replied, his voice still soft and shaking, "I, uh, I'll send you a message in the mornin' about meeting up for deliveries."  
Sam didn't look ready to drop the subject, but lessened his grip on the other man's shoulders and sighed.  
"Fine."  
After another awkward pause, Higgs got up, which prompted Sam to follow. He was still looking at the taller man, clearly trying to make up his mind whether or not to say something. Higgs steadfastly ignored his gaze and clenched his fists at his sides; he'd never felt so ashamed and low in his adult life.  
"Listen," they both stated at the same time, followed by another awkward pause.  
"Sam," Higgs continued, his voice sounding even more strained and on the brink of sobbing, "don't you fucking pity me. Okay? I brought this on myself. You should know that well enough."  
"I--I don't. I just. I don't know what to say."  
"Then forgive me for being so inhospitable as to say so, but please take your leave, Sam Por--"  
Before he could even finish his rude sentence, he was enveloped in such a strong and tight embrace he wondered at first if it were an attack, and it briefly brought to him flashbacks of their last fight.  
"I like you," Sam said awkwardly but simply, as if it had been the hardest thing in the world to get out of his mouth.  
"I like you, okay? There, I said it."  
Higgs' heart pounded out of his chest and his eyes were saucers. He could barely think enough to comprehend exactly what was happening, let alone form a reply. But as quickly as it came, Sam let go and rushed out, yelling a "Bye!" and, later, up the stairs, what suspiciously sounded like "fucking idiot."  
Higgs stood in the same spot, shaking and trying to catch his breath with black tears streaked across his face.  
"Oh… oh no."


	4. Void Out

The first thought to occur to Higgs after swimming out of sleep and breaching into a hangover was that he was supposed to meet up with Sam today for work. Scrambling over to his laptop with a hand to his aching, pounding forehead, he booted it up to not only check the time but shoot the other porter an email.   
"Ugh, I gotta stop drinkin' with him," he mumbled to himself, rubbing his aching head. Or at least, he thought to himself angrily, I gotta stop being so vulnerable around him.  
The second thought to occur to him was that he'd called Sam handsome and cool last night. And Sam had said he liked him, and even gave him a hug.   
"Dear fuckin' lord," he groaned, slumping into his desk seat and scrubbing his face with his hands. "How drunk were we? Shit. Hope he doesn't remember any of that."  
Higgs dragged himself to the shower after emailing Sam a brief "when are we heading out," and had to all but keep himself from banging his head against the wall remembering the events of last night.

While drying himself off, he heard a knock at his bunker door--the alarms must have been drowned out by the shower and his inner screaming--and a call from Sam. Higgs cussed to himself.  
"Yeah, yeah, just a second, Sammy boy, just gettin' dressed," he grunted, pulling his boxer-briefs and pants on first. Wouldn't do to keep someone waiting too long. He opened the bunker door and Sam was there in full gear, of course, and this time with his BB pod securely strapped to his chest.  
"Howdy, sorry, just runnin' a little late," Higgs explained, running over to put a shirt and socks on.   
After a minute, Sam mumbled something, walked in and waited by the doorway to the main room.   
With his gear on, Higgs finally turned to Sam with as fake a smile he could manage and said "Well, let's hustle."  
Sam cleared his throat, shook his head a little and grunted in agreement, leaving the bunker without so much as a coherent word, with Higgs following close behind.  
"It's weird to see you without that stuff on your eyes," Sam mentioned when they got outside, turning to look at him briefly before continuing towards his delivery truck. Oh yeah, Higgs thought somewhat jealously. Bridges perks.  
"Yeah well, it's weird to see you with your baby. You didn't bring it around the last couple times, I'd almost forgot you had one."  
"Oh. Yeah," he looked over to him with a slightly apologetic expression. "She, uh, she doesn't like you much."  
"She?" Higgs laughed, and glanced over at the darkened pod. "Well, I guess I can't really blame the little lady, now can I? Now I remember, she blocked my bullets a couple times. Boy she's got some spunk in her for a little thing."  
One hand on the wheel while driving, Sam patted the BB pod gently with the other affectionately.  
"Yeah, she's a firecracker. I call her Lou."  
Higgs hummed a reply and looked out the window, watching the gloomy landscape go by.  
"We headin' to a distro center?"  
"Yeah, and then to a few preppers that have packages to send out. There's gonna be a lot today. It's the holiday season, after all."

Apropos to that holiday season, it snowed for most of the time they were out delivering. The sky seemed to be ready for sunset hours before noon, and the gloom just wouldn't let up even once the sky was pitch black and smeared with chiral clouds. A good portion of the orders were gifts tagged fragile, which for the most part was fine considering the truck kept everything safe, particularly on the road. Most of the rounds the two porters did were around the north Lake Knot area into the Mountain Knot area, and it only got colder the deeper into the mountains they got.   
They were able to avoid most of the BTs by just sticking to the road, and then by the aid of Sam's BB. But there were always some preppers that were unable to be reached by vehicle and required on-foot delivery.  
The feeling of being in the pitch black in the snowy mountains surrounded by BTs made jolts of panic and dread go up Higgs' spine, and he stuck close by Sam, covering his mouth and trying not to make a sound. Somehow, though, he managed to trigger one of those ghastly figures, and when a pool of tar suddenly formed under his feet, it was such a familiar feeling that he almost forgot that it was no longer something he had any control over. From panic and the heaviness of his pack, he slipped and fell backwards, and screamed a cuss and struggled as several pitch-black, tar-covered apparitions grabbed at him.   
"Fuck! Sam! Sam!!"  
Sam turned around, cursed to himself and ran toward Higgs, but only made it in time for the taller man to get dragged away by the BTs.   
When Higgs was finally let go, the entire ground for as far as he could see was just tar. Although it was familiar, and he knew how to fight these things, it still never made it any less horrifying. A giant inky monster that looked like a combination of a squid and a dolphin flopped out of the tar and went as if to come after him, making awful, choked and muffled screeches. Scrambling to his feet, he reached into his backpack to grab a hematic grenade, and flung it right at the thing's face. Blood--Sam's blood--exploded onto it, dying it a deep, angry red as it gurgled and screamed in pain. Trying desperately to hurry as he trudged through the tar toward any solid surface he could, Higgs accidentally slipped and dropped a hematic grenade into the inky goo.   
"God fucking dammit, just my fucking luck," he growled, getting his balance again and climbing on top of a piece of concrete that had been secreted by the tar. He had one hematic grenade left, which wasn't exactly enough to defeat the thing, but he could try to hit and distract it and make a break for it. He hated running from a fight, and most of all he hated being scared of a fight. It just wasn't in his nature. His anger about his lack of power and vulnerability blinded him to how unlikely it would be to defeat this thing on his own, and in a fit of rage he tossed the grenade at the wriggling, screeching BT.  
"Come on, you bitch! You abomination! Come get me!"  
He grabbed his custom automatic rifle from off his hip and blasted at the eldritch tangle of tar and nightmares. As the chiral bullets smacked onto the BT's tentacled face, it let out a pained screech and writhed but didn't back off its charge toward Higgs.   
It wasn't going to be enough, but he kept shooting and yelling obscenities at the approaching dark beast.  
"Stay fuckin' dead, you piece of shit!" Higgs roared over the blasting of his gun, until he had to reload. The pause was enough time for the BT to gain on him, and just as he was about to get ready to meet his maker, Sam pushed him out of the way, sending him flying into the tar some feet to his left.   
The creature bowled over Sam, but luckily didn't swallow him entirely.   
"Sam! You crazy idiot, what do you--"  
An explosion of blood hit the BT square on its belly as it had jumped over Sam, sending it flying backwards and letting out a last, wheezing death scream. It exploded into what seemed like black smoke, leaving the air thick with chiralium. Golden hands sprouted all over the ground under Sam as he sat up with a grunt and shook the tar out of his hair.   
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Higgs cried, running over to Sam's side, huffing and puffing. "Are you out of your cotton pickin' mind? You coulda--"  
"You could've gotten killed!" Sam suddenly yelled at him, actual anger and fear shaking his usually easygoing voice. "Why didn't you run the fuck away from it? You tryin' to turn this whole place into a crater?"  
Higgs shrunk away slightly, looking momentarily ashamed.  
"I--I thought I had a--a handle on it--"  
"You know you didn't have a handle on it, Higgs. Goddammit. Don't tell me you were actually gonna try that fucking kamikaze terrorism shit again."  
"No! No, no no no. Sam, please. No, I just." Higgs let out a sigh and tried wiping away some of the tar off his face but only ended up getting more smeared across it.   
"Higgs," Sam pleaded, slapping a heavy hand to the other man's shoulder, "if you have a death wish, don't let it end up in a fucking void out. I can't… deal with that shit again. I can come back, but she can't."  
Higgs felt lower than the earth for the second time in 48 hours, and shrugged Sam's hand off of him.  
"She?"  
"Lou."  
He looked down at the little baby staring at him angrily with her huge blue eyes, pressing her face to the glass as if to make it obvious who her glare is pointed toward.   
Higgs put a hand to the glowing orange pod and muttered, "I'm real sorry, Miss Lou," to which she immediately rolled away and kept her back to him, seemingly pouting.   
"I'm sorry, Sam. I wasn't… intentionally tryin' to get myself killed. At least, I don't..."  
"Let's just get out of here. There's a private room in a safe house I set up nearby. Come on."  
Sam stood up and pulled Higgs to his feet roughly before turning his back and trekking against the snowy wind toward the underground bunker. Like a dog with its tail between his legs, Higgs followed with his head bowed. 

Once in the Safe House, the two porters unloaded their gear at the wall by the door and Sam immediately put his BB in her recharging station.   
"You can take the shower first. Think I want to talk to Lou for a bit," Sam grumbled, poking at the orange glass. Lou giggled and squeaked happily, her voice echoing strangely in the small pod.   
Higgs froze for a second before shrugging off the awkwardness, undressing near the shower stall and stepping in to wash off all the tar and shame. When he got out, Sam was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, hunched over somewhat and reading a pre-stranding magazine about motorcycles. He glanced up at Higgs and immediately looked back down at the mag, face reddening as he said "There's a towel on the sink for you. Your clothes are getting cleaned."  
"Thanks a bunch, Sammy boy," Higgs replied, trying to plaster an upbeat attitude on himself again. He wrapped the towel around his waist and went to sit next to Sam, who turned away before shifting awkwardly and then getting up to take his own shower. Higgs laid back on the bed with a sigh, his entire body and soul aching.   
"I'm a fucking idiot, Sam," Higgs called out to Sam, who was busy in the shower.  
"Yeah, you are," came a gruff reply. It almost felt somewhat better for the insults to come from someone else rather than himself.  
"I don't want you to think I was doing anything malicious, now. That wasn't it."  
"Can't you wait until I'm done in here? I'm trying to relax."  
"Oh. My apologies," Higgs chuckled, daring a glance over at the only slightly frosted glass to get an eyeful of… uh, everything. His breath hitched and he looked away immediately, his face hot and a familiar strain building up below his belly.   
"Gat damn," he breathed to himself, and tried to will his problem to go down before Sam finished in there, annoyed that he's apparently so sensitive that all it really took was the mood and one look.   
Sam stepped out some minutes later to get into some clothes he had leftover from last time, and if he noticed anything Higgs was trying to hide, he didn't mention it. He grabbed a few cryptobiotes, ate the poor suckers and popped open a Timefall Porter to wash it down. Higgs felt the bed dip next to him and he looked over at Sam, stretching his arms and then folding them behind his head.   
"Well, are you gonna let me properly apologize now?"  
Sam looked at him, his eyes very obviously looking him up and down, and seemed at a loss for words before licking his lips and nodding. Higgs felt fucking naked and looked away, his face burning.   
"Yeah, you can, but I already get it. You haven't exactly been hiding how miserable you've been, Higgs."  
"I mean, that's--that's not entirely it, Bridges. I mean yes, I'm fuckin' miserable, and I'm sorry if it's bugging you. I'm just not used to being like this. Weak, having to rely on other people, without my strong link to the other side. It's fuckin' lonely."  
"Higgs," Sam sighed, and put his beer down before turning to him and moving a bit closer, "I don't know if you know much about my life. You probably don't. But I lost one of the most important people in my whole lonely fuckin' life to giving into that darkness."  
Higgs looked up at him, wide-eyed. He'd of course heard that Sam's wife had died in a void-out during the time of one of the early Bridges expeditions, but he didn't know the details.  
"She…," Sam looked away now, eyes closed in pain, "my wife, Lucy. She was carrying our kid. But she couldn't take it. The nightmares, the darkness she was suffocating under. We couldn't even get her out of the building before she popped, and the whole fuckin' city became a crater."  
Higgs just watched Sam, trying to fight back the tears welling up. After a pause, Sam rubbed at his own eyes. His voice was scratchy and broken with sadness.  
"We were gonna name the kid Louise."  
A heavy pause filled the room with silence, besides the occasional babbling of Lou on the wall.  
Higgs sat up, let out a shaky sigh and finally said, "I'm so sorry, Sam. I wasn't thinkin' straight. See… you're right, I've been battling my own demons and haven't exactly been winnin' most of the time. I suppose you could really say that's how it's always been, with me. But I'm sorry I put your BB, and hundreds of other people in harm's way for being a reckless dumbass. I really am. If you don't want to see hide nor hair of me anymore, I'd understand."  
"No, I. Higgs, I want you around. That's--that's sorta the point," Sam explained, his voice still thick with sorrow. He turned to Higgs again and looked at him, his eyes somewhat red and puffy. "I don't want you to throw your life away. It's not just the void out. I thought that--I had hoped… remember when I told you I liked you? I don't say that very often. I don't feel that very often."  
Higgs felt those butterflies again and couldn't decide if he'd rather be just as shitfaced as he was the night before or as sober as he was at that moment. He wanted to run right out that damn bunker and never look back.   
"I thought that you might've been pullin' my chain," Higgs whispered, a sad smile almost involuntarily forming at the thought of Sam actually liking him, "Why the hell would anyone, let alone you of all people, take a liking to little old me?"  
"Like I said, I get you. We have things in common. And... And I don't know. I just do, especially now. But I'm kind of scared to open up myself to this again, with that happened to Lucy," Sam admitted candidly, reaching out and taking Higgs' hand firmly in his own. Higgs looked down at their hands and got that feeling of wanting to throw up again.   
"I--I don't know if I'm readin' this right, Sammy boy. When, uh, you say like?"  
Higgs looked up into Sam's eyes only to be met with an intense look that told him just about everything he'd need to know. The ex-terrorist swallowed thickly and moved away, trying to pull his hand out of the others' grip.  
"I--I don't know about this, this is all movin' kinda fast. What's happening?" He laughed nervously, wondering if he was dreaming this or if it were actually happening. Or maybe he was just reading this all wrong. Sam couldn't possibly like him that way, could he? How could he like him at all? Higgs' head was spinning.  
"You're right, I'm sorry," Sam said awkwardly, letting go of his hand and turning away. He looked deeply embarrassed and scratched at the back of his neck.  
"Yeah, like I said, I'm kind of scared to open my life up to… voiding me and my kid out again. I trust you, but… yeah maybe this is moving a little fast. Sorry."  
"I don't even know what's movin' fast," Higgs groaned, lying down and putting a pillow over his face.   
Sam laughed sadly, letting his eyes trail over Higgs, and heaved a sigh.   
"Um… you want a beer?"  
"...Hell yes."

The next morning brought what felt like another day of endless snow and overcast skies. As the days grew nearer to the winter solstice, the days grew shorter and gloomier. The two porters worked in mostly awkward silence during the morning, but picked up some of the usual banter throughout the afternoon. The awkwardness suddenly spiked, however, when Sam received a call through the chiral network from Fragile.   
"Hey, Sam," she chirped, completely unaware of the man's delivery companion. "I haven't heard from you in quite a while. How are things going?"  
"Hey, Fragile. Uh, same old, I guess. I'm on delivery right now."  
"How funny, so am I. Did you hear I joined Bridges?"  
"What--no. Are you dissolving Fragile Express?"  
"We are simply merging. Fragile Express will still be in charge of the fragile item orders, which are in great demand lately because of the holidays."  
Higgs drummed his fingers on his knees nervously.  
"That's great."  
"Yeah. I was hoping to get everyone together for Christmas eve. You know, Deadman, Lockne and Målingen, Heartman, some other prepper friends of mine. I've had it in mind to reserve a space in Lake Knot City for us all to have a party."  
Sam froze for a second, humming his displeasure at the idea.  
"Oh come on, Bridges. Most of us haven't seen you in a long time. It'd be good for you to socialize again. And besides, Deadman misses you a lot."  
Sam laughed, shaking his head.  
"Good old Deadman. I'll tell you what, Fragile. I'll think about it and get back to you."  
"Before Christmas eve, Sam."  
"Yeah, yeah, before Christmas eve."  
"Alright, thank you, Sam. See you around," she laughed, and cut the transmission.  
Sam sighed heavily, and after a hefty pause, Higgs muttered, "Guess she's doing alright, huh."  
Sam grunted an affirmative, and the subject was dropped after that.

That night, Sam and Higgs stayed at the Distro center North of Mountain Knot, and actually got a proper dinner. On the bed in the private room, Sam and Higgs sat together eating sandwiches and watching an old pre-stranding movie. It was an action movie, but a really strange one, and although Higgs found it hard to follow the plot sometimes, he thoroughly enjoyed the guns and explosions.   
"You know, I wish I could get my hands on one a them old guns. The ones you can't print. They go for a pretty penny nowadays, though, and don't last long at all out in Timefall," Higgs said, admiring an AK-47 on the screen.  
Sam smiled to himself.  
"Man, do I miss fightin' like this. Dang. Why do people gotta go and pop."  
"Bloodthirsty motherfucker," Sam laughed, cracking open a beer for himself and Higgs, and handing the latter his cold one. Higgs took it with a "thank you kindly" and grinned.  
"Well, Sammy boy, you can take the wolf out of the wild but you can't take the wild out of the wolf. Or somethin' like that."  
"Well, it's--"  
There was a pause, and when Higgs finished drinking some of his beer, asked "it's what, Bridges?"  
Sam hesitated, cheeks turning pink before grunting "nothing" and continuing to watch the movie over his beer. 

The next morning, Higgs woke up early and, as quickly and quietly as he could, gathered his things and put on his timefall-resistant jacket. After writing a quick note of "You're not so bad yourself, Sammy. Yours truly" with a roughly drawn heart at the bottom, he left it on the table. Stalling slightly, he stared at Sam as he slept and felt his heart squeezing uncomfortably. What was this? He shook his head and headed out of the Safe House.


	5. Special Delivery

Surprisingly, almost a month passed since Higgs saw Sam again in person. To be fair, Higgs had taken up picking up his own supplies from nearby distro centers instead of putting in orders, and otherwise was usually out searching for or delivering packages. He never received any messages, though, and much to his relief hadn't heard any middle-of-the-night knocks on the door. He needed space, and time, to think. To reign in these weird feelings popping up between them that made him sick to his stomach.   
On one lonely, cold night where he was trying but failing to get some sleep, such thoughts kept swirling around the man's head.  
"Even if I'm not reading things wrong, and I probably am," Higgs thought to himself in annoyance, "Sam could only like me that way if he were off his rocker, or really fuckin' desperate. He could do so much better, so easily. And besides, I'm just too fuckin' broken. And dangerous."  
It was bittersweet for him to think back on that night when Sam had told him about how his wife and child died, but also how he might want to risk being hurt again to… do something with Higgs, he never really said what it was they were moving too fast into. It always made his heart thud against his chest and his cheeks burn remembering Sam taking his hand in his, that intense look he'd given him. Even those looks he'd given him before, that Higgs had a strange feeling were amorous in nature; Higgs felt like an idiot both in ignoring all of the signs Sam was sending him from the start, and thinking that they might be signs at all and not just all in his head. But even so, he didn't want to be a danger to Sam, and his BB. He didn't belong by his side, just to check in on him to make sure he was okay.   
Higgs put a his pillow over his face and groaned in frustration.   
"Why do you even fuckin' care. Christ. You're a 35 year old man, get it together."

On a chilly early winter morning like any other, Higgs was awoken by the alarms going off indicating a package was being delivered. He hadn't actually ordered anything, though, and wondered sleepily if this was a wrong address. As a long package was deposited onto his desk, there was a knock on his bunker door, signifying that it could really only be one person.   
Confused and still half-asleep, Higgs stumbled out of his bed, yawned and opened the door. A gust of freezing air came in first, and then Sam Porter Bridges.  
"Mornin', come in, it's cold as a witch's you-know-what out there."  
Sam chuckled and walked in, closing the door behind him, and took off his mostly empty pack and unzipped his Bridges jumpsuit.  
"You woke me up, so I apologize if I'm a little--" he stifled a yawn, "out of it. Hey, make yourself comfortable, why don't ya. I guess you're staying. Want some coffee?" He mumbled mostly to himself, going over to his coffee machine to make a few cups of some hot brew.   
"Yeah, thanks," Sam said, sounding happy but nervous, and rubbing his hands together for warmth. He sat on Higgs' bed and watched the other man get mugs out of his locker.  
When Higgs turned around while waiting for the water to heat up, he grinned at Sam and crossed his arms.  
"Alright, Bridges, what's all this about? The visit. The mystery package."  
Sam smirked and replied, "you don't know what day it is, huh?"  
"Not particularly. Oh, is it Christmas or somethin'? Oh, jeez. Don't tell me you actually got me a present, you old sap."  
"Well, it's just a little something," Sam said, rubbing his left arm nervously. Why was Sam being the awkward one this time? Was it a trap? Was he finally going to rat him out to the UCA?  
Higgs frowned a little and made his way over to the package carefully and opened it gingerly, as if it would explode any second. Instead of a bomb or anything else suspicious, however, it was a beautifully preserved semi-automatic rifle. A real gun from before the stranding. Not manufactured on a chiral printer, but crafted with love and care. He took it out of the package in disbelief, admiring the weight of it and the craftsmanship. Higgs whistled low.  
"Holy Shit, Bridges. You've outdone yourself."  
He looked back in the package and noticed a magazine and a box of bullets.  
"And you even brought the fixin's. Good Lord, Sam," he laughed, an actual genuine smile splitting his face. "I--I don't even know what to say. Thank you."  
Sam smiled at him and shrugged.  
"So, want to go try it out?"  
"You know I do, but maybe when it's not snowin' cryptobiotes and dogs out there. Besides, coffee's ready."  
Higgs poured them both coffee, but before he served them he put them down.  
"Um, what's u--oof," Sam wheezed as Higgs grabbed him into a tight hug.  
"Oh, Sam, you're sweeter than cherry pie. Thanks."   
Sam laughed, blushing to his ears, and returned the hug.   
"Y-You're welcome."  
Higgs pulled out of the hug, his own face burning with heat, and handed Sam a mug of coffee before taking his own. He sat on the desk in front of Sam and let the mug warm his hands.  
"So did you ever end up goin' to that party?"   
"Oh, that. Yeah. It was kinda weird being around so many people again, but it was… kinda nice."  
Higgs nodded, sipping his coffee, before clearing his throat.  
"So, uh. Fragile. She hasn't caught on or anything, right?"  
Sam sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.  
"Not that you're here and alive, no."  
"What's that, then? She's caught on to somethin'?"  
"She can tell I'm into someone," Sam laughed, not meeting his eyes. Higgs felt confused butterflies fill his gut and he quickly tried to drown them with bitter, black coffee.  
"Into someone, huh," he hummed in response, feeling slightly annoyed that Sam was doing this to him again. Didn't he take the hint the first time?  
"Yeah," Sam grinned at him and winked. Higgs actually almost choked and coughed that time. After a few more coughs and after he caught his breath, he mumbled out "fuckin' asshole." The legendary porter just laughed and seemed pretty damn happy.  
"The only thing is, she wants to help wingman me or something. I mean she was a little tipsy at the time, but she kept saying she'd help me "lock them down" or something. I don't know."  
"Sam. There's nothin', like, serious between y'all, is there? You and Fragile?"  
Sam snorted and shook his head, sipping his coffee.  
"Come the fuck on, Higgs. I already told you I like you."  
"Oh, Dear Lord, this again?" Higgs practically wilted and put his head in his hands. "Goddammit, Sam."  
"I don't get why it's such a bad thing," Sam frowned, putting his mug on the floor.   
"I don't--I mean it might not be! I'm so confused," Higgs whined from from behind his hands, "I don't know what you want from me, Bridges. But I don't think it's just a hug. And it scares the shit out of me. I--I'm sorry."  
Sam stood up and sat next to Higgs on his desk and took his hands from his face and held them. Higgs looked up at him with big worried eyes, feeling sick and excited at the same time.  
"It could be just hugs, if that's what you want," Sam murmured, running his thumb over Higgs hands reassuringly.   
"That doesnt--that doesn't answer a damn thing. What do you--," Higgs spluttered, and then paused, trying to catch his breath and form a coherent thought.   
"Sam, are you confessin' to me?"  
"I… thought I already did a long time ago," Sam sighed. "I'm sorry if I've been reading this wrong. I thought. Ugh. I'm sorry."   
Sam let go of his hands, stood up and walked toward where his pack and jumpsuit were.   
"Sam," Higgs whispered, feeling like a lump as caught in his throat, "hold on. I don't--hold on, I just need a second. Don't go."  
Sam turned to him looking like a kicked puppy. It nearly broke Higgs' heart.  
He heaved a sigh and pushed himself off the desk. His mind was a whirlwind of ideas, fear, anger and hope.   
"Sam, listen," he urged, his voice shaking and sounding on the verge of crying, "this ain't what you want. There's no way in hell I'm the one you want. I don't want to have to--to deal with this shit anymore. You hear me? You keep saying that you like me. Well that's not love, and falling in love with me would be the worst fuckin' mistake of your life. I don't want to pull you into the fuckin' darkness with me, Sam. I'm not some normal gal you can sweep off their feet. I'm a dangerous man. I'm--I'm not normal. Okay? Sam? Is any of this sinkin' in?"  
If Sam could've possibly looked any more hurt, he would've. He turned and grabbed his things before trudging out without a goodbye, leaving Higgs alone to sink into the floor and sob his guts out. 

Pop.  
Pop Pop Pop.  
"Goddamn stupid fuckin' idiot."  
Pop Pop.  
"Stupid Bridges. Goddammit."  
Pop Pop Pop.   
"What the fuck is wrong with me."  
Higgs slipped the magazine out of the rifle and refilled it for the third time. A little gun therapy never hurt anybody. Except maybe the cryptobiotes he was popping off.   
"God I'm so fuckin' done with all of this," Higgs mumbled to himself in-between shots.   
"So fuckin' done. Why in Christ's name didn't you nip this in the bud months ago? God."  
Black tears ran down Higgs' face as he continued letting off shots at the cryptobiotes and their mushrooms. He had to admit, she shot like a dream. This was nothing compared to the chiral printer nonsense. He ran his hand over the wood and sighed. It really was a damn thoughtful gift.   
"I'm sorry, Sam," he gulped, and fired another shot, splitting a mushroom clean in half.


	6. First Kiss

It was still winter, still cold and bleak, and Higgs was still miserable. The stinging and fresh pain over the couple months had dulled somewhat, but he still hadn't forgotten his mission. He was just unsure about how to go about it now, believing it best that Sam never sees his face again. 

In the early morning sometime in February, Higgs trekked across the damp, frosty landscape and breathed in the cold but refreshing morning air. When it wasn't raining, the great outdoors could be a something of real beauty. But unfortunately, his hood pulled over automatically as drops came down before it fully started pouring. Figures. He was in the Pacific Northwest, after all. 

Realizing that he had two choices of either going through BT territory or terrorist territory, he chose the latter, grabbing his riot gun from his pack and trying to crouch low while navigating the trees. It was strange to think that he'd once been the leader of these violent idiots, but on another hand, he was also a violent idiot. One passed by while he hid behind a tree, before Higgs rounded on him and bludgeoned the back of his head with the butt of his gun, immediately knocking him out. One down, probably too many to go. He just needed to get through the forest and then he'd be in the clear.  
He passed by a few more, trying to slowly close-quarter-combat his way through the forest, until he had grabbed one of the terrorists who recognized his face. As Higgs had grabbed him and was rearing back to punch his lights out, the man gasped, "is that you, boss?"  
Higgs' fist stopped mid-air and he stared at the masked terrorist. It hadn't occurred to him that any of them would've remembered anything about him, nevermind his eyes. Oh. Maybe it was the makeup. He put his fist down.  
"Ex-boss. Reckon you can guide me outta here, pal?"  
The mook seemed utterly shocked at this turn of events, but nodded and walked with Higgs out of the terrorist area to safety. When they were at a blinking yellow light jutting out of the ground, the terrorist spoke up again.  
"Um, boss. Why'd you leave the Demens? I mean, didn't you start them in the first place?"  
Higgs sighed and slapped a hand on the younger man's shoulder, who slightly bent under the force of it.   
"Higher power. I found Jesus."  
"Jesus?" The Homo Demens gasped, looking thoughtful, as if he too should go find Jesus.   
"Yeah. Thou shalt not, uh, cause void outs and all that good shit. Well, thanks for bein' my Sherpa for a bit. So long."  
"Uh. Uh, bye! Uh, thanks, boss."  
"Ex-boss!" Higgs yelled over his shoulder as he walked toward the distro center. By now it had stopped raining, but he still kept his hood up, the encounter making him paranoid. Suddenly he stopped, and yelled to the black and yellow clad man:"Hey. If anyone asks, I was never here, and I'm dead. Okay?"  
The terrorist nodded and then ran back into the forest. Higgs hoped to Jesus they didn't start any rumors.

When he arrived at the distro center North of Mountain Knot and put all of his packages on the conveyer belt, he hadn't expected to hear two too familiar voices echoing down the hall, growing louder as they walked right into the room.   
"You just need to go back there and tell him how you feel. Maybe you were being too vague. You can be really cryptic sometimes, you know."  
"I don't think it was that," grunted the other voice, the listlessness of it making Higgs feel sick. He quickly pulled his hood over his head and lowered the brim of his hat, but his adrenaline pumping told him he was fucking screwed. Fragile was absolutely going to kill him.  
"Oh, come on, Sam," the blonde said pleasantly, patting him on the back maybe a little too hard, "you're too passive. Sometimes you have to just--take them, you know? Or they won't know you're serious."  
"That's awful, Fragile."  
She laughed before noting the mystery porter taking a few orders from the terminal. She didn't really give a second thought until she noticed Sam staring like a deer in headlights.  
"Oh--oh, don't tell me," she gasped quietly, trying to keep her voice down. "Is that him?"  
"Uh," was all Sam could utter, unable to hide the emotions welling up in him. It'd been months.   
Higgs began manually walking out of the distro center as quickly as he could, leaving a package behind. He felt ice cold terror gripping his veins.  
"He's leaving! Sam, go after him! Look, he forgot something! There's your opportunity!" Fragile whispered, pushing Sam towards the terminal.  
"Okay, okay, Jesus," Sam whined, grabbing the package off of the conveyer belt and slapping it onto his pack. "But don't come bother us. For real, okay?"   
"Hey, I get it," she smirked, and twirled her umbrella over her head. "Good luck, lover boy." She laughed and suddenly disappeared in a sprinkle of chiralium. 

Sam ran after Higgs as fast he could, and luckily with his speed skeleton that was pretty damn fast. When he was close to catching up with him, he called out, "Higgs, wait a second!", and the aforementioned man swiveled in shock, almost tipping over under his cargo.  
"Don't you fuckin' yell that name out loud in the open!"  
"I mean--you forgot a package. Fragile left."  
Higgs grabbed the offered package and flung it in his pack, still looking flustered, his heart hammering in his chest.  
"She didn't recognize me?"  
"Not as, well, you."  
Higgs let out a heavy sigh and put a hand to his chest. "Christ almighty, I almost had a heart attack."  
Sam walked up close to him and put his hands on his shoulders.  
"Higgs, listen, I need to--"  
"Sammy, I said everything I needed to last fuckin' time--"  
"Just let me explain--"  
"I don't want to fuckin' hear it! Don't you get it? Can't you take a fucking hi--mmph!"  
Sam had grabbed him close and shut his mouth with a kiss. Higgs was absolutely stunned.  
After letting it linger a second more, Sam backed away a little bit, still keeping his arms around the small of the other man's back. He was breathing hard and his cheeks were ruddy from both the cold and the kiss.   
Higgs just stared at him like he was amazed he had the guts to do something that out of left field.  
"What… has gotten into you?" he finally murmured, the anger completely gone from his tone.  
"I don't know how else to make you understand. I just. I want to be with you. I don't care if you're dangerous. It's alright. I just… want this."  
Sam punctuated his confession with a deeper kiss this time, still awkwardly one-sided, and held onto Higgs probably a lot tighter than was necessary. He slid a hand over his hair, sliding off his hood and hat, and let it rest at the base of his neck. A small, bassy noise ground out of Higgs' throat and Sam abruptly backed off, looking nervous.   
"Jesus Christ, Bridges," breathed Higgs, his eyes half-lidded but filled with tears, "you really know how to make a man feel special, don't you."  
Sam laughed and hugged Higgs close.  
"Please just let me love you," he murmured into the taller man's shoulder. Higgs shivered and finally returned the embrace.   
"Sam. Sam Porter Bridges," Higgs started saying slowly, his voice solemn but with a hint of happiness, "I've loved you since the day I met you."  
Sam held onto him for a little while longer before letting go and then taking his hand and giving it a rough squeeze.   
"No more stupid shit about being too messed up for me, okay? I'm messed up, too. Dummy."  
Higgs breathed a laugh and reached down to put his cap back on and flip his hood back over.   
"At least you're not a wanted man. You're lucky Fragile didn't recognize me."  
"At least I recognize your ass from yards away."  
Higgs scoffed and pushed him. "That can't be what--you're fuckin' stupid."  
Sam laughed and pulled him in for another kiss, which this time was reciprocated. Higgs felt like he was floating on cloud nine--and also had a bit of a problem growing. He pushed Sam off of him gently, their mouths making an awful wet noise. Sam was mumbling something about him even being hot with the delivery outfit and hat on, but Higgs' mind was trying desperately to stifle anything that would further excite him.  
"Listen--Listen, Sam," Higgs breathed, holding the shorter man at an arm's length, "I can't, uh. I mean, it's been a looong fuckin' time. I just."  
"Oh. Uh. Yeah, sorry," Sam laughed nervously, noticing what Higgs was referring to. Higgs could tell he was going to ask him about getting a private room, and as much as his biology was telling him to mate like a jackrabbit, he had to stay on track.   
"So, do you want to--"  
"We probably shouldn't, Bridges. Look, this is a lot. It's a lot to process right now. I'll let you in, okay? I'm letting you in," he assured the legendary porter, squeezing his shoulders gently, "but I just need some time. And space. Okay?"   
Sam nodded, seeming satisfied with the outcome of this encounter. He had a goofy smile on his face and kept laughing.   
When Higgs' heart squeezed, this time it felt good.


	7. A Dark Wind Blows

An uneventful week passed by slowly for Higgs, mostly filled with deliveries, cold showers, insomnia and the occasional loss of grip on reality. Whenever he did finally catch some sleep, he always dreamt of the Beach, Amelie's cryptic warnings, and umbilical cords leading from his belly button into the bloody ocean waves.

After one such dream, he jolted awake, drenched in sweat and breathing like he had been near drowning. He rubbed at his eyes and it occurred to him that he might actually have chiral contamination. Without his extremely high level of DOOMs, so many new problems were sprouting up. Higgs considered ordering some medicine but felt paranoia and fear eating him up at the idea of going outside or inviting anyone in. 

He jumped at the sound of the strong gale-force winds creaking his bunker, and thunder rumbling so forcefully and so close by that the entire structure vibrated.   
No, something was wrong. 

He pitched an email to Sam asking him where he was, and received one back pretty quickly saying he was at the distro center south of Lake Knot and what the hell was up with the weather. Higgs told him to stay put and that he'd be coming over, and to wait for him in the delivery room. Before Sam could send his reply, Higgs had already geared up and left the bunker, feeling a sudden sense of purpose he hadn't felt since trying to end the world. 

Outside, the wind and rain were just as strong as they sounded from inside. Higgs had to hold tightly onto his hood and ran as fast as he could to the South as lightning streaked the sky constantly, making shattered patterns among the chiralium clouds. The thunder seemed to vibrate everywhere. Before long, a light pierced the stormy darkness and came closer, along with the sound of an electric trike. Higgs walked to the side of the road, knowing only one person would be crazy enough to be riding out in this hell storm.  
Sam pulled up next to him and yelled out, "get on! Hurry!" to which Higgs obeyed, climbing behind him onto the electric motorcycle and wrapping his arms around his waist. The legendary porter revved up the bike immediately and took off toward the distro center, his body tense under the body suit and jacket. Right when they pulled into the delivery room, a bolt of lightning hit right outside where they had been not a minute ago.   
"Shit," Sam swore to himself and got off the bike, followed by Higgs. "I'm gonna have to contact Die-Hardman and a few of my other old contacts once we're in the private room. I'll try to protect your identity as much as I can, okay?"  
Higgs nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation, and that he'd probably be dead either way after whatever is coming.  
"Fragile already just thinks you're just some porter I met recently, so just lie low and I think no one will really look into it."  
"I get it, Sam," Higgs said before taking the other man's face between his hands and kissing him, figuring this would probably be the last chance he got. Sam seemed to be thinking the same thing and brought him into a crushing hug and kissed back desperately, teeth clacking and tongues entangling, before pulling away and kissing his throat and below his ear, murmuring "I love you"s over and over. Higgs' heart felt like a balloon in his chest. It was almost too sweet for him to bear until Sam deliberately grabbed his ass while pulling him into another passionate kiss. At this, Higgs laughed into the other man's mouth and pushed him off gently, immediately missing the contact and still feeling tingly all over.  
"You're an absolute beast, Sam."  
"Can you blame me?" Sam chuckled bashfully, and then after a beat, took a more serious demeanor and looked him in the eye.  
"You ready?"  
"As I'll ever be."  
Higgs held onto Sam's hand as they descended the elevator to the private room, not knowing what he feared more: being found out, or whatever was coming with this storm.

The call to Die-Hardman loaded, a soft jingle playing indicating that he has yet to pick up. Sam paced the room and Higgs sat up on the bed against the wall, his porter cap tipped low onto his face, hoping that even if everyone comes in with chiralgrams no one will bother to look at him too closely.   
Finally, a chiralgram of Die-Hardman appeared in the room looking like he was just holding it together.  
"Sam, thank god. I tried getting in touch before but I guess you had just went out. Do you have any idea what's going on with this storm?"  
Lockne's chiralgram also popped up near Sam, followed by Deadman. Higgs' heart started pounding.  
"No clue, I was hoping one of you might've figured something out. I'd noticed the lightning lately but nothing like today."  
"The only thing we've been able to pin down are that high levels of chiralium started forming on the East Coast and then began moving Westward," Deadman explained, bringing up a chiralgram chart from his cuffs to show the huge swath of area. "It seems to be something like how the Timefall rain starts, but instead of just clouds and rain, it's making these windy thunderstorms."  
"The numbers reminded me of the supercell storms you kept getting caught up in a while ago, Sam," Lockne interjected, "but unlike that storm, this one is less concentrated to one small place and is spread over a much wider area. And of course, as far as I know no one is being taken to some strange afterlife to fight skeletons. I hope."  
"Um, Sam," Deadman said hesitantly, looking right at Higgs, "who is…?"  
It seemed Die-Hardman and Lockne hadn't even noticed the man sitting in the dark against the wall, and suddenly turned toward where Deadman was looking.  
"Oh, that must be the boyfriend Fragile was telling us about," Lockne or Målingen, honestly who knows, exclaimed genially.  
"Uh, yeah. His name's--"  
"Peter Englert. Uh, nice to meet you all. I'm just a freelance porter, I don't really know what's going on. Is this serious?" Sam nearly cringed at the ridiculously fake, unaccented and meek voice Higgs put on, and found it oddly familiar.   
"We got it, hun'," Sam said to him before turning back to the others. "I'm just keeping him here to stay safe. Anyway, shouldn't Heartman have any clues about this?"  
Apparently buying his bluff, they all went back to discussing the issue at hand.   
"We have Heartman doing all he can, but so far he has little to no leads," Die-Hardman sighed, pacing the room, "and Fragile has been unable to use her Beach to travel because of the storm. She should be here soon, but with the weather as it is, who knows. I'd say it was a given this had something to do with the Beach anyway. All sorts of marine life have been showing up in the wind, too, and tar pits are forming faster than we can get rid of them. It's a complete mess."  
"Anyone know why the chiral spikes started in the East?" Sam asked.  
"Well," Deadman hummed and brought up another map, this time zooming in on the incinerator near Central Knot. "All I can say for sure is that it seemed to start from around this incinerator. As far as I know, nothing unusual has happened there for a long time. It is a high BT area and has always been an area with high chiralium, but I can't seem to account for something this...severe."  
"That's where Bridget was burned," Sam stated, knitting his brows together.   
"That was a long time ago, Sam. Why would this just start up now?" Die-Hardman huffed, seeming more stressed by the minute.   
"I have been hearing some weird rumors about that area, actually, in relation to the late President Strand," Lockne spoke up in her matter-of-fact tone. "Ghosts. But not BTs. There are some reports from people in the Central Knot area seeing what they thought was the ghost of Bridget Strand, either in the abandoned city near the ICU or the incinerator."  
"Lockne, if that wasn't coming from you, I would've immediately said that sounded like make-believe," Die-Hardman frowned, clearly unimpressed with the idea.   
"Actually," a new voice piped in the room as Heartman's chiralgram walked in, smiled pleasantly at everyone and continued, "she may not be that off base. But it's not just Bridget Strand. There have been numerous ghost sightings of several different people all across the Eastern area, and also increased reports of nightmares about the Beach. It doesn't appear to be another Stranding, per se, but I don't think we should rule out that it's not something similar."  
"So, what. First we got BTs, now ghosts?" grunted Sam.  
"Perhaps, Sam. I haven't really been able to go out and test anything, but something tells me this might have something to do with Amelie again."  
"Who, unfortunately," popped in the voice Higgs had been dreading to hear, followed by her chiralgram, "we cannot even communicate with, and have no real idea what her intentions might be now." She popped a cryptobiote in her mouth.  
"I don't think this is about Amelie," Sam said hesitantly, looking around at everyone with a confused expression. "But it's definitely comin' from the other side. Maybe something almost as strong as her."  
"Well," sighed Heartman, tapping his AED idly, "I haven't been able to visit the Beach much since this all ramped up. It's dangerous here, but even more dangerous on the Beach. Oh--my apologies. Who is this?"  
Higgs wanted to sink into the Earth. "Don't you idiots have something more important to focus on," he thought angrily.  
He tried to plaster on a fake, cordial smile before Fragile made a surprised sound that almost made him jump out of his skin.  
"Oh! Bridges, I knew you had it in you. Good job, buddy," she grinned, snacked on another bug and asked through a mouthful of it, "Did you get laid yet?"  
In the confusion of all the different reactions from laughing, tisking, goading for an answer and an exasperated sigh, Higgs caught his breath and finally had an excuse to really hide his face. He pulled his knees up and hugged them to his chest, feigning bashfulness. Sam mumbled a "dammit, Fragile," while letting out a small laugh.   
"So, there's no issue with confidentiality control here, I take it?" Heartman chuckled, shaking his head somewhat disapprovingly.   
"Nah. Just keeping him safe here with me."  
"Aww," Lockne cooed, and her and Fragile shared sentimental smiles.  
Higgs figured it might be weird if he didn't talk at all, so he went with his disguised voice again, still hiding most of his face.  
"I--I've been noticing the BTs have been more dangerous lately. I don't know if that helps. Sam actually saved me from one of them," Higgs said shyly.  
"Aww, man."  
"How romantic."  
With Lockne and Fragile distracted, Målingen came out to snort and say, "Focus, ladies. It would make sense for BTs to get stronger with the chiral spike over such a wide area. Was this closer to the East or Central region, Peter?"  
"The--central, in the mountains. I've never been so scared. It tried to eat me," Higgs replied, that ridiculous tone and false summary of events making Sam stifle an eye-roll.   
"It would've if I hadn't gotten there in time. The catchers have been more aggressive all over. Somethin's got em spooked."  
After a long pause while everyone thought deeply, Heartman cleared his throat and spoke up first.  
"Well, it seems we cannot figure out what is going on right now. I'm still very curious about the lightning in all of this. It seems all of us must do more research before making a plan to move forward."  
"Sam, I would advise you not to go out into the storm until we figure out what is happening. That goes for anyone in the East, as well," Die-Hardman commanded, still sounding stressed, "And Deadman? If it's not too much trouble, I would like to chat with you personally after this. Anyway, everyone should try to get some rest for now."  
Slowly but surely everyone's chiralgrams blipped out as they all said their goodbyes, until the only one left was Heartman.  
"Ah…Sam? I know Die-Hardman said not to go outside. But just on the chance that you do, could you see if anything might be left behind after the lightning hits the ground? It could possibly help."  
Sam grinned and said, "Like old times, huh. Breaking the rules behind his back."  
Heartman chuckled, and then looked between Sam and Higgs a few times before giving a thumbs up with his usual heart emoji chiralgram popping up with it. He then disappeared from the room.


	8. Hold Me Now / Warm My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets explicit here. Warning: sadomasochism, oral sex.

Higgs let out a breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding, and scooted down onto his back, flipping his arms over his face and knocking off the porter cap.  
"Jesus Christ, this shit is gettin' too close for comfort," he groaned, his voice somewhat muffled. "I thought my life was flashing before my eyes."  
"I'll show you too close for comfort," Sam growled, crawling into Higgs and straddling him. Higgs moved his arms to his sides, a shy smile on his flushing face.  
"Goodness gracious, what's got you all hot and bothered, Bridges?" He drawled, snaking his arms around Sam's waist.   
"Got a kink for the end of the world? Guess I woulda seen some action long before now, though."  
"You talk too much," Sam murmured before capturing his mouth and running a hand under his shirt.   
"Sam, one more thi--"  
Just as Higgs had let out an embarrassingly heated noise, a voice rang out sharply as the chiralgram materialized behind them.  
"Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry--"  
Sam couldn't react fast enough to try and block Higgs from view before she could see exactly who he was on top of.  
"What… the fuck."  
"Goddammit, hold on, I can explain--"  
"Sam? What the fuck is this?!" Fragile's voice raised in pitch as she backed up.   
Higgs had no idea what to say or do and just held onto Sam, his face blanched. It was easy to sling out quips when he didn't give a shit about anything that was happening, or when he had the upper hand. But now, he was really at their mercy.  
"Fragile, just please give me a second to explain," Sam yelled, getting off of Higgs and the bed.   
"You're--why the fuck were you hiding him?! Why are you--Sam, this is so fucked up! Don't you remember what that monster did?!"  
"I--I know, but listen, Fragile. Amelie had so much control over all of that--"  
"Oh, don't give me that shit. Jesus fucking Christ, Bridges, try to think with your head and not your dick."  
"That's not at all what's going on here, dammit."  
"It sure fucking looks like it! He's an--evil terrorist! You're putting everyone in harm's way harboring him!"  
Higgs sat up and held himself, grimacing and knowing everything she was saying was right. He was a liability.  
"He's not the same guy anymore, I've seen it."  
"I don't believe it," Fragile said in a low and dangerous voice, glaring at Higgs. He winced and looked away.   
"Fragile, I love him."  
She looked to Sam with the most dumbfounded and annoyed expression she could muster.  
"What has happened to your head, Sam? Do you hear yourself? He tried to kill both of us so many times. He nuked a fucking city, and tried to nuke us too."  
"She's right, Sam," Higgs said in a low voice, looking away from both of them. "I don't even feel any remorse for any of those awful things I've done. Maybe you thought just because I wasn't violent anymore that I'd changed enough to regret my actions. But I don't."  
Fragile looked disgusted.  
"This is the guy I helped you get with?" She hissed, and punched a wall of whatever room she was in, before waving her gloved hand and cursing to herself.  
"I… I'm sorry, Fragile. But I promise he won't hurt anyone again. Maybe this is all crazy, and you know, it's getting real fucking crazy out there, too. But he makes me happy, and I'd rather leave Bridges behind and fuck off with him than be without him."  
Tears ran down Fragile's angry, red cheeks as she clenched and unclenched her hands at her sides. She looked at the melancholy and defeated Higgs slumped over behind Sam, and then back to the latter.  
"You know what, fine. Let him fuck everything up, for all I care. I just thought you were smarter than this, Bridges."  
And with that, she disappeared, leaving a very quiet and a palpably awkward room.

Sam sighed out a "Jesus" and scrubbed his hand over his face.  
"Well, I guess it went better than it could have," Sam said sadly, turning to Higgs, who wouldn't look at him and whose eyes seemed entirely neutral.  
"Higgs," Sam muttered, pulling him into a hug and rubbing circles on his back, "Relax. I'm here. It's okay."  
Higgs rested his chin on the top of Sam's head and threaded a hand through his hair.  
"How can you stand to be with someone like me?" He whispered eventually, not exactly sadly, but with mostly curiosity in his voice.  
Sam leaned back and kissed his jaw before replying, "easily. You're incredible."  
Higgs knitted his brows, the tattoo formulas deforming slightly. "Sam, I meant what I said. In my heart of hearts, I can't regret any of that violent shit I did. I had the time of my life. I think you only like me because I'm neutered and can't fight back."  
"Would you kill me now, if you could?"  
"You mean if it wouldn't just mean you comin' back anyway?" Smiled Higgs sadly as he wrapped his arms around the shorter man and pulled him close. "No, I wouldn't."  
"What if I could come back? Like now?"  
Higgs pressed his forehead to Sam's and looked into his eyes.  
"I don't know," he murmured, his voice adopting a joking tone, "I think my all time fantasy back in the old days was fuckin' you to death, only for you to keep comin' back, until I was done with you."  
Sam shrinked back a bit, finally looking somewhat disgusted. Higgs laughed and patted Sam on the back.  
"Relax. To be honest..." Higgs glanced away, his face heating up, "A fantasy I did have was--I had a… little thing about thinkin' about getting tied up by you and your rope and bein' at your mercy."  
"Oh," Sam snorted, a smile coming back on his face, "did I make your dreams come true when we last fought?"  
"Aw, man, Sammy," Higgs whined into his ear in a sultry voice, "I was harder than a fuckin' diamond that whole fight," he laughed suddenly, unable to keep up the flirting with a straight face.  
"Jesus. Maybe you are really fucked up."  
"I told you."  
"It's really sexy," Sam breathed, pushing Higgs down onto the bed again. Higgs let out a bark of a laugh before being pressed into the mattress with a kiss.  
A hand to Sam's chest eventually pushed him up, and his features creased with concern at the look on Higgs' face.   
"What is it?" he murmured, cupping his cheek and wiping away inky tears with his thumb.  
"It's so hard to let you in, Sam," the other man whispered, his voice shaking lightly, "to let you see what kind of person I really am. I always admired you. But I'm not… I don't reckon I'm good for you. I'm a--"  
"Higgs, stop," Sam sighed and pressed kisses to his cheek and neck.   
"I wasn't fucking kiddin', Sam," he suddenly chuckled sadly. "About that other kink. You have no fuckin' idea the things that go through my head. That I want to do."  
Higgs took Sam's face in his hands, his heart squeezing painfully.   
"Just because I don't have DOOMs now doesn't mean I won't hurt you, without even a single regret at doing it. But I don't want to hurt you because I want you to love me. Isn't that fucked up?"   
He pressed a chaste kiss to Sam's lips, which Sam returned passionately, seemingly unfettered by any warning the taller man might throw at him.   
After a break for air, Higgs let out a soft sob and said, "God, I'd let you do anything to me, Sammy. I'd kill for you. I just want--"  
Sobs wracked his shoulders now and he covered his face with his hands, shame and guilt filling him like an endless well. He was too exposed, too open about the grotesque and sick feelings he was finally admitting.   
Sam just held him and pet his hair gently, murmuring that everything is okay.   
"I've felt like this for so long, Sam. I'd go to sleep with a smile on my face thinking of you choking me to death. What kind of--fucked up person does that? I just wanted--I even want it now. I want you to beat the shit out of me," he laughed at how ridiculous it all sounded.   
"I don't want to hurt you," Sam replied softly.  
"I know. Of course I know that. You're so damn loving it makes me fucking sick. I don't… deserve that. And I don't think any of this is gonna change."  
"Relax," Sam went on in the same soft and reassuring tone, now stroking his scruffy cheek tenderly. "I don't care who deserves what. I want to love you. I promise you're worth something. To me. You're enough, and worthy of every ounce of love I want to give you."  
Higgs couldn't stop the inky tears staining his cheeks or the sobs vibrating his body, and just clung to Sam, as if holding on to him would make the things he was saying true; as if Sam was his only anchor to self-worth. His voice was muffled into Sam's shoulder as he tried to say something.  
"What is it?"   
Pulling himself away so that his voice was clearer, Higgs sighed unsteadily and muttered, "I don't want you to stop lovin' me."  
"Don't worry about that," Sam sighed.   
"This is my first… no one's ever cared about me before. Not like this," Higgs sniffed, combing his fingers through Sam's wavy hair gently.   
"That's okay." He was so damned patient and sweet. At the same time as it melted Higgs' heart, it made him apprehensive and angry.   
"I've noticed something changing, Sammy," the ex-terrorist spoke up after a pause. His voice trembled slightly.  
"Somethin's different. Ever since I got back from the Beach. I don't feel that... devotion anymore. To her. It's like I got cut off from it. It's... moved on to someone else now. If you know what I mean."  
Higgs looked into Sam's eyes seriously, his pulse thudding in his ears as he waited for the other man to catch on.  
Sam seemed concerned and held Higgs' hands, and when he finally replied he spoke slowly.  
"Is that what you meant by that you'd kill for me?"  
Higgs looked away, shame burning his cheeks.  
"I woulda always done that for you. But now, I… I wouldn't kill, if you told me not to. If that makes sense. I just want to keep this… this love. I reckon I'd," Higgs paused, swallowing thickly and looking up at Sam with his soul as open as he could bear, "I reckon I'd die without it."  
Sam chuckled softly, although tears were running down his face. He leant down and kissed the other man chastely, and then kissed his cheek before nuzzling into his neck.  
There was a pause as they both laid there, content in feeling understood and accepted by one another. 

"For God's sake, why are you still hard?" Higgs cried and laughed at the same time, breaking the tension as Sam mirrored the action and rubbed at eyes with the back of his hand.  
"Yeah well, look who's talking."  
Higgs lapped up the tears on Sam's cheek, earning a shudder from Sam--of disgust or something else, he didn't know--and then captured his mouth to let his tongue taste even more.   
The porter kissed back in earnest, running his hands along the larger man's arms and chest.  
"You know," Sam grumbled after breaking the kiss, "that reminded me of when you did that back in Edge Knot. Was that a, uh, intimidation thing, or?"  
"What do you think," Higgs grinned, a horny glint in his eye, "Of course it was both. Took all my willpower not to do it every damn time I saw you."  
Sam snorted and mumbled, "weirdo," before running a hand under his shirt before lifting it up and kissing every bump of bone and muscle and scarring. Higgs breath hitched and stopped him after a moment.  
"Can… can you just," he murmured, taking Sam's hands and putting them to his throat. Sam seemed a little hesitant, staring into Higgs eyes as if wondering if it was actually okay.  
"Please kiss me," Higgs begged, his voice suddenly heavy with shame and pleasure.  
Sam paused for a moment, his hands finding comfortable purchase around the other man's long throat. As he applied a more even pressure, Higgs squirmed and whined under him as if it were the most erotic thing he'd ever experienced.  
"Damn, you really are a freak. I know it's all fucked up, Higgs. But fuck if it isn't the biggest turn-on to see you like this." Sam breathed out a laugh, and added, "Maybe I'm a little more fucked up than either of us thought, too."   
Sam took the back of Higgs' hair and pulled it down, making him arch up his neck and back, while keeping a grip on his throat with his other hand, and kissed Higgs, who moaned loudly into his mouth. His long legs were kicking under him, and as Sam added more and more pressure to his throat, he ground his hips into Sam's, breathing shallowly.  
"Please--please slap me," Higgs begged again in a strained voice under the pressure around his larynx, his hands gripping anywhere they could on Sam, feeling like he was drowning in the pleasure. It was so much better than he had ever imagined.   
Sam paused, then, and backed off to look into Higgs' flushed and obscene face.  
"Please. I've been so--ah--bad," Higgs whispered, his half-lidded eyes cold and empty and boring into Sam's.   
Sam shook his head, and for a second a fierce rage filled Higgs' heart and eyes, and he lifted his fist, but stopped halfway to punching Sam in the face.   
Sam grabbed his fist and slammed it back on the bed behind Higgs' head, and growled, "so that's how it's gonna be? No, I'm not gonna hit you."  
"I want to be covered in bruises from you, Sam," Higgs moaned, still gyrating into him and holding on to his ass.  
"I just--want you to hurt me like I deserve."  
The conflicting feelings of both how erotic and twisted this all was somehow added to how much this turned Sam on, and he really began to question what was wrong with him.  
"No," he said suddenly, and flipped them around so that Sam was lying under him and Higgs, weak in the knees from already being so close, had to brace himself against the man's chest before leaning up to look at him.  
"You'll have to fight me before I fight back. I'm not gonna hit you for no reason."  
Higgs' eyes glittered and a smile split his flushed face.   
"You're... You want me to hit you?"   
"Not really. But if you do, I'll hit you back."  
It was a compromise. Higgs put a hand over his heart and swooned.  
"You'd do this for little old me? Oh, bless your heart."  
"Don't make me change my mind, dumbass."  
Higgs flashed a grin and quickly slapped Sam across his face.  
Even though he must've expected it, Sam seem surprised at the swiftness and roughness with which the blow came, and held a hand to his reddening cheek.  
"What was that? Did a mosquito bite me?"  
Higgs snarled and came down with a punch this time, but not fast enough that Sam couldn't grab his fist and knock him back with his own. Higgs legs shook under him and he buckled a little lower while still straddling Sam, stifling a moan that threatened to come out. Competitive rage still started to course through him at getting hit, and he came down with another punch, this one connecting, albeit not as hard as it could've.   
Sam grabbed his arm and punched him back, and pushed him forward until he fell backwards. This time, after crawling on top of the taller man, Sam did smack him.  
Tears sprung up in Higgs' eyes at how much it stung, and let out a throaty moan despite trying not to let it out. He shuddered under Sam, and fought back against him, grappling and trying to gain the upper hand again. He hit Sam in the chest, but because of his stronger upper body, he quickly slammed Higgs back down and slapped him in the face again.  
Higgs let out a low moan and starting shuddering violently under him, convulsing in a way that made Sam look confused at first before realizing what happened. Higgs didn't know he could ever feel that good.  
"Did... Did you just come?"   
Higgs just let out a breath, his eyes closed with a peaceful smile.  
Sam chuckled and kissed Higgs, now holding and touching him gently and lovingly, like he wanted to.   
"I think I could die happy, Bridges," Higgs sighed, sounding happier that he thought he ever has. A small bruise started forming on one of his cheeks and Sam gave it small, apologetic kisses.   
"What are you doing to me," Sam grumbled, taking Higgs' hand and placing more gentle kisses to his palm and then his knuckles.  
"We love in some real different ways, Sam," Higgs huffed, finally recovering enough to take the other man into his arms and kiss him deeply.   
"But I can be sweet, too."

Higgs pulled them around so that he was on top now, and, ignoring the uncomfortable, sticky problem in his pants, kissed at Sam's throat gently before sucking and biting at it, letting a hand roam down to his pants to unbutton it. Sam shuddered and snaked his arms around his waist, breathing heavily.   
His breath hitched when the ex-terrorist licked over the length of his throat before moving downward. He lifted his shirt somewhat, and kissed down from his pecs to the scar where his belly button should be while slowly pulling his pants and underwear down. He traced his hands over the many shadowy stencilled handprints on the muscular, sturdy body, and flicked his eyes up to Sam's, who looked back with glazed over eyes and a tender smile.   
This was how Sam liked to be loved, with softness and care. What a difference this was to just a moment ago. Higgs, his brain unclouded by horniness, tried to fill every touch and kiss with the love and admiration he knew might be hard to believe in after everything he did. He put his hands under the small of Sam's back, propping him up slightly, and worked his way licking, sucking and biting around Sam's inner thighs. This time, Sam let out a little groan and put a hand through Higgs' short hair. No pulling or tugging. There was nothing urgent at all about Sam's actions, just affectionate. A passionate and reverent feeling filled up Higgs' stomach and chest as he smoothed his hands over Sam's tight thighs, and he marveled at how his obsessive crush could've possibly bloomed into something so understanding and caring. A real connection without any bullshit.  
Sam was bracing himself on one arm while looking at Higgs as he lowered himself to lick the length of his dick, staring right at the other man. Higgs continued feeling over Sam's abdomen and thighs as he took the entire length into his mouth, sucking and bobbing gently. Sam groaned and let go of his hair to grab onto his shoulder, breathing heavily and muttering to himself.  
Higgs took his time, wanting to show his devotion as long as he could. After taking a break for a breath, he pumped the dick in his hand and smiled at Sam, both gasping for breath.  
He wanted to tell him he loved him, how much he meant to him. That he wanted to make him happy. That he'd do anything to make that happen.  
What came out was, "If you ever find someone else, I'll personally kill them."  
A look of concern came back to Sam's face momentarily before being replaced only by pleasure as Higgs took his dick into his mouth again, this time building speed and pressure, swallowing around the head and doing anything that made Sam moan and squirm under him.   
Not wanting something so violent to be the last thing he'd say to Sam before he was done, he popped his mouth off and, still holding on to his dick with a hand, reached up to kiss Sam deeply before saying, "You're so beautiful, Sam. I love you. With all my heart."  
That was probably more of the right thing to say, as instead of a look of brief horror, Sam seemed to melt, his eyes and expression a mix of pleasure and sober love. Satisfied with the reaction, Higgs went back down to finish him, his jaw finally starting to ache a little bit as he swallowed the come shooting into his throat. Sam was holding on to him for what seemed like life itself, and despite trying to stay quiet, let out sharp and short moans, which turned into heavy breaths as he settled down, softly pushing Higgs off of him when the feeling became too intense.   
The taller man rolled over to his side and put an arm around him tightly, closing his eyes as Sam laid back and caught his breath. Sam brought him into his strong arms and held him close, so that Higgs could hear his pulse against his neck.   
"Thank you," Sam murmured into his hair and pressed a kiss to his temple.  
"For what, Sammy?"  
"Letting me in."  
Higgs let out a small laugh.  
"Well technically I haven't done that yet. I don't know if I'd really be ready for uh, all that. You know. It was big enough for just my mouth."  
Sam chuckled and jostled him a bit.  
"Stupid."  
After resting for a moment, Higgs eventually got up and crawled off the bed.  
"As comfy as all this is, I really need a shower. And to burn these underwear."


	9. Fate Up Against A Will

For a moment, Higgs awoke with a fuzzy sense of fulfillment and comfort. He could smell Sam's clean skin and buried his face in his neck, their naked bodies pressed together. Even though his face hurt and his jaw felt a little sore, he felt actually happy. He couldn't remember ever feeling this comfortable being so close to anybody.  
In an instant, the moment was gone. A loud, buzzing alarm went off in the private room, and the room went dark besides red flashing lights. Lou started crying, and Sam woke up with a start.  
"What the fuck," he shouted before getting up and quickly putting some clothes on, Higgs following suit.  
He called Deadman, who responded immediately.  
"Sam, there is a supercell tornado right in front of the distro center! I was right about to call you, we just heard the report. You have to get out of there now!"  
Sam zipped up his jumpsuit and attached the BB pod in a hurry, as Higgs packed up his things behind him.  
"Where the hell are we supposed to go? Right into the fuckin' eye of the hurricane?"  
"You're definitely not safe in that private room right now. If you can find any way to bypass the supercell, it's your best bet."  
Sam and Higgs waited as the elevator took them up, the lights flickering ominously, and upon getting to the ground level were immediately blasted by the strong winds. The odradek tried to boot up and blink, but was pushed backwards and curled back in.  
"Well, it looks like I'm goin' in."  
"Right behind you."  
Sam fought against the wind as he approached the eye of the storm, grunting as it became harder and harder to withstand. Squinting into the whirlwind, Higgs thought he saw something stuck into the ground where that lightning had hit just outside of the distro center doorway last night. A beacon?  
Suddenly, there was nothing but darkness.

Higgs awoke not remembering what had happened before, his body feeling heavy and aching all over. He blinked up to see a fiery red, clear sky and a giant moon. The sound of waves crashing filled his ears. He knew exactly where he was.  
"Ah, you're finally all here," a bright voice sighed, as if greeting guests for a casual party.  
Amelie? But she--  
Higgs tried to turn his head but his whole body still felt too heavy to move, as if a force was pressing down on him at every cell in his body. His heart was in his throat and his pulse in his ears.  
"Now, I know this might be coming as a bit of a shock."  
"That's a fuckin' understatement," Sam growled somewhere behind him, "You want to tell me what the hell is going on? Where's Amelie?"  
Where's Amelie? But isn't she--  
The voice--Amelie's voice--laughed quietly, and from the sounds of the crinkling of clothes and the gentle shifting of sand, Higgs could tell she was pacing.  
"Amelie is where she has always been, on her Beach. But this is my Beach."  
"How the hell is that possible?"  
"It seems that our Ha's were separated. By you. I'm surprised you hadn't caught on long ago. How could I be the same as Amelie? And didn't I tell you I would meet you on the Beach, Sam?"  
"This is… what the fuck. This is too fucked up. What do you want, Bridget?"  
Bridget?  
Higgs struggled to turn around and look at them, but was still forced to stare ahead into the sea of death, churning its indifferent cascades among the stranded sea creatures lining the shore, over and over. The red of the sky made the ocean look like blood, and it sent an uneasy jolt down Higgs' spine.  
"What I've always wanted. To bring us all together."  
"Well, we did that. The UCA is done, they're making Die-Hardman the new president soon. What else could you want?"  
"No, Sam," Bridget chuckled patiently, "No, that's not enough. But it does bring us closer, because it brings everyone closer to the Beach."

There was a pause, and during it Higgs found he could finally move himself slightly over enough to see them.  
It certainly looked like President Strand, as she looked maybe 10 years ago. Official, powerful, still able to lead the budding UCA. Sam was looking at her sideways through distrustful eyes, clenching and uncleching his fists.  
"So that's it, huh. Amelie decides she doesn't want to do it, so you fill in to end the fuckin' world?"  
"Amelie was always… weak." she explained, her voice careful as if trying not to offend, "It always seemed at every corner she was trying to sabotage our original goal. Too sentimental. But she did give me you."  
"Don't give me that bullshit," Sam spat, stepping forward threateningly, "You never gave a shit about me beyond your fucked up little experiment. I know what you did to my parents."  
"Yes, noble sacrifices in the face of the big picture."  
"Fuck off," Sam yelled and ran at her, but she just disappeared and reappeared behind him, making him jump and swivel around.  
"Oh, speak of the devil. He always seems to know the worst time to show up." Bridget sighed, gazing off into the shore. "Always lead to you like a carrot on a stick."  
Higgs rolled to the other side again to see a familiar form in military gear breaching the waves, a crew of ghoul soldiers surrounding him.  
"Cliff," Sam gasped, his voice softening.  
"I thought I told you to stay away from my son," rang out the captain's voice in an accented command, just as strong as if he were still alive.  
A gun trained to her head, Bridget smiled coldly.  
"You did. But he should know what's about to happen. The inevitable, as always, cannot be stopped, and I'm not so easily persuaded as Amelie."  
A shot rang out. Higgs hadn't known what to expect, but Bridget collapsing, her skull exploding with brain matter and blood, definitely wasn't at the top of the list. The body quickly disappeared, only for another Bridget, same as before with an intact cranium, appeared pacing patiently around Cliff.  
"How many times are you going to kill this old apparition until you get tired of it, hmm?"  
"Until you never come back," Cliff growled, training his rifle at Bridget again. She just laughed.  
"Sam," he said suddenly, his voice softer, "Get the hell out of here."  
"But how do we--"  
"Just go! Now!"  
Clearly shaken, Sam ran over to Higgs and pulled him up, grabbing his arm and dragging him with him across the Beach. Higgs ran with him on legs that felt liable to collapse at any moment.  
"How the fuck do we get out of here?" He panted, desperately trying to keep up with the shorter man.  
"If it's anything like Amelie's beach we can just--" and then he slowed down to a stop, panting, and looked over at the waves thoughtfully.  
"No, I don't--I don't know. I know how I can leave. But I don't know how to take you with me."  
The words sent ice down Higgs' veins, but he grabbed Sam's shoulders, confidence from he knows not where filling him.  
"Then go. You have to get out of here."  
"I'm not leaving you here!"  
"What other fuckin' choice do we have?"  
"Jesus, Higgs," Sam snapped, his face scrunched in pain, "I'm not going to fucking leave you here again."  
"Sam," Higgs sighed, feeling impatience and rage battling with the softer feelings welling up in him, "you fucking idiot, you have to save yourself. She doesn't give a shit about me, she just wants you."  
"He's right," Bridget's voice suddenly rang out as she appeared right next to Higgs, and as another loud shot rang out, neither of them knew what exactly had happened for a moment.  
But then Higgs felt it. A stinging. Too much warmth. He looked down and saw blood rapidly staining his shirt.  
"Well, fuck me."


	10. You Wait Until Your Turn Comes Round Again

Higgs' vision swam as the shock of blood loss began taking over quick. He put a hand to his damp and crimson shirt and pulled it away, leaving his hand stained with his own blood. So it was real.  
He looked up to the scene that seemed to be happening in slow motion.  
"What the fuck do you want from me, Bridget? Make him-- heal him or something! Fuck, what'd you do? Why?"  
"Oh, that old pawn? He's way past expired his usefulness. But you, Sam? You could never be useless."  
"Shut the fuck up!"  
Sam and Bridget were yelling at the same time, and as the dizziness increased, it became harder and harder to focus on the words.  
He backed up, vaguely remembering he should be putting pressure on the wound. But the wound went through him-- full metal jacket, he mused distractedly. He pressed his hands on the entry and exit wounds as the world darkened around him, Sam and Bridget's yelling filling the air. Higgs wanted to help. He had to save Sam.  
But what could he do? He was struggling to stay conscious.  
"Watch the end of the world with me, Sam," he heard Bridget say, her voice almost victorious. Sam kept trying to hit her but it was futile-- just as much as it'd been when he tried to punch Higgs way back when.  
The memory of that fight, before anything real had even begun between him and Sam, flickered through his mind as he fell on his knees on the sand.  
Cliff and his army of skeletons came into his increasingly darkened view.  
There was fighting, and shooting. Fire and explosions.  
Was this a real battle? It was hard for Higgs to tell, and he squinted as he struggled to breathe and stay conscious.  
Cliff and his soldiers were distracting Bridget while Sam snuck up to tie her up. It never held for long-- she couldn't even stay dead for long.  
What was all of this for? Just to hold her off?  
Was it really useless?  
Higgs watched as Sam and Cliff were struck down from an energy wave that emitted from Bridget, who seemed calm and collected. Sam was struggling to get up. Cliff wasn't moving, and the skeletons were gone.  
Was this the end?  
Higgs hunched over slightly, feeling incredibly cold and fatigued. In his mind, he could see memories of himself and Sam, of stalking him and taunting him. Of pining over his photos at night. Of wanting nothing more than just to be with him. Of fighting him, flirting with him, loving him.  
He was losing blood fast, and he watched as the rivulets of red ran down past his hand as it pressed weakly against him. His heart was full of love and gratitude. 

Tar broke from the ground around his knees and seemed to flood the entire beach in almost an instant.  
Higgs' eyes were full of stars and darkness as he saw catchers emerge all over, eldritch-looking sea creatures of all kinds groaning and screaming into the air and all centering in on the trio in front of him.  
Bridget was screaming.  
Sam was yelling his name.

Somehow he felt Sam's hand in his, and he wasn't sure whether or not it was a hallucination. There was no sense of time, of sequence, or of space as he felt himself floating. Sam's eyes were so damn scared.

As soon as it seemed as if his entire vision was blacked out, and all he could feel was cold and the heaviness of his own body, there was a bright flash of light followed by sparks. Waves and whales danced in his vision, and it all felt so familiar before he finally lost consciousness. 

The next time Higgs Monaghan would know consciousness, the only thing that would occur to him for quite some time would be pain. A deep and searing pain that started at his back and gut and extended into his extremities and head, seemingly leaving nothing unaccounted for.  
For what seemed like ages, he was too weak to open his eyes or speak, and the only sounds he could register in the short spans of consciousness he was granted were of beeping and the whirring of mechanical equipment.  
It wasn't too long before he realized he was in some sort of medical facility, though where exactly he had no idea.  
None of the voices that spoke to him were familiar to him, and nothing seemed real to him for quite some time.

After regaining some of his faculties enough to open his eyes, and speak, and eat on his own, Higgs saw that he definitely did not know where he was or who the Doctor and Nurse taking care of him were. They simply called themselves "the doctor" and "the nurse", anyway. The room he'd been staying in was small with cold metallic walls and tile flooring, and crammed with medical equipment beside the bed he laid in.  
As equally as they could not answer any of his questions of how he had ended up there and what had happened, he could not answer any of the questions of who he was and how he'd gotten shot and ended up almost dead a few miles from their shelter. Not that he couldn't remember, although his memory of the events on Bridget's beach were fuzzy at best, but he certainly wasn't about to tell them he was an ex-terrorist turned porter who almost got killed by a ghost.  
Higgs was both anxious and terrified to ask them about Sam, but surely they knew him, and surely any news about Sam Bridges being either dead or MIA would have spread quickly through the chiral network. 

One day when he had healed significantly enough that he'd had any courage, he decided to ask the doctor.  
He'd been sipping at a bowl of hot soup he'd been given, and after the doctor let him know that he'd probably be healed enough to leave within a week or so, there was a lull as Higgs put the bowl down and bit his lip anxiously.  
"So," Higgs sighed, finally deciding to take the plunge, "do you know anything about, um, Sam Porter Bridges?"  
"Oh. Well, yes. The legendary porter, right?"  
Higgs smiled tiredly and nodded. Legendary porter, huh.  
"Do you know how he's doing? Where he is?"  
"Uh, well," the doctor sighed, looking away thoughtfully, "let me see. I haven't seen him in about a year or so now, but I'm sure he's out and about doing his thing. Last I heard he hadn't been doing too well, though. I guess all the work he did got to him? Perhaps he's not taking care of himself."  
"A year? Um, doctor. Has he been gravely injured or gone missing any time recently?"  
The doctor furrowed his brows and looked over to him, but then a slight spark of recognition went off in his eyes.  
"Oh, you know, there was a time a while ago when he was found in the middle of nowhere in a similar state as you. He's a repatriate, though, you know, so dying wasn't exactly as big of a risk. Bridges took care of him, I think. It was right around those big storms."  
Higgs' stomach dropped, and he gripped tightly at the sheets covering his legs till his knuckles were white.  
"How… how long ago was that?"  
"Oh. Perhaps you have some acute amnesia. It was around, maybe five years ago? Oh, no. Nurse, come here--"

The next time Higgs awoke, physically he was feeling alright, and capable. The first thought in his head, though, was that he'd somehow been stuck in some kind of limbo for five years as the world went on without him, and although he could face the fact now without passing out, he felt sick and horrified.  
But Sam had survived.  
And somehow Bridget hadn't gotten her way.  
Those thoughts gave him some solace as the days passed and he prepared to leave the doctor's shelter.  
There was a large scar on his stomach where his belly button had been, where he assumed the bullet had passed through. It reminded him nauseatingly of Sam's scar, and he tried to stuff the thought down that something stranger may have happened to him in that strange limbo.  
The entry wound on his back was there as well, though. A small puncture-looking scar. 

The day he left, when he was finally able to step outside into the cloud-muted sunlight and take a deep breath of fresh air, made him feel like he'd been renewed yet again. Higgs hadn't even really felt alive until he felt the familiar feel of the harsh, icy wind on his cheeks.  
But now he had to find his way back to his shelter, and from the look of it he was in the Mountain Knot area. It would be a long trek on foot, but there was no way he could rent a Bridges vehicle. He wasn't even a documented person, let alone a Bridges employee.  
Thus, he made the long journey down the road toward Lake Knot City with nothing but some clothes, boots, and a jacket.  
Whenever he passed a Bridges distro station, he wondered if Sam could possibly be there at that moment.  
It felt strange to him to think that even though it had seemed like he'd been gone for only an instant, it'd been a full five years to Sam. Maybe he thought he was dead, and moved on. The thought left a heavy ache in Higgs' chest, but at the same time he was just glad the other man was still out there somewhere.


End file.
